Sick As Your Secrets

05/21/2014 “In fact I’ll go further and say that I think you actually get a kick out of being  disappointed and under-achieving because it’s easier, isn’t it? Failure and unhappiness are easier because you can make a joke out of it.”  Have you ever had a full blown anxiety attack? Not a panic attack, no no.  I believe there is a difference, and well I’d like to think that it's anxiety. I can sense it before it hits... but I am powerless. My mind loses control, my heart starts racing, my muscles twitching, my breathing is short, close to hyperventilation. And all of the thoughts in my head come through at such an  increased rate it's impossible to grab a hold on anything at all. Everything I need to do, everything that I should do, everything I should have done and everything I have done wrong, converge, like a four way stop sign, but none of the cars stop. BAM. Collide. Fighting for dominance and then defeat. LOSE. LOSE. LOSE. LOSE.  My mind was c...

 5/12/14 In the beginning, we would sit polishing off a 24 pack of beer in front of the television my PlayStation, Rock Band drum set blocking the majority of our view. Throughout the evening she’d attempt to flirt with me or make a sexual comment, portraying she wanted to get into my pants. She’d casually brush my leg while talking to me. My attention would wane as I’d watch her walk to the kitchen for another beer. She’d tuck her long black hair behind her ear and smile while twirling a single strand. Her signals were so glaring her body screaming … “FUCK ME.” I wanted to make her wait. At the end, I’d walk her to the door, just to see if she’d come back. ! It was only a day later and she showed up at my doorstep with a case of beer in her right hand. “Sorry, I should have called”. It was more of a question than a statement. She looked past me into the hallway perhaps to see if I had any company. “Hi, come in please.” I move to the side and motion with my right hand for her to en...