Sick As Your Secrets

03/29/2025 "Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.” I want to die tonight. I will wake up and tell myself don't let this death become what your days are made of, let it flicker on the horizon, give it a home only on the edges of your life. A home, something this life hasn't known, yet I've been longing for. Some of my brain will always be calling your name. If you die, the universe will never be the same. I wish I could believe that. 

March 29th, 2025 "Night is beautiful when you are happy - comforting, you are in grief - terrible when you are lonely and unhappy."  You miss me too? Then fucking do something about it Dez! Do you understand that you are the only one that has the ability to change our circumstances. I'm at the end of my rope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've tried yet you're leaving me with no options whatsoever. You're the one that refuses to try!!!! you're the one that refuses to put any effort into this relationship. You're asking for space and then you don't want space. what do you want? Space between us. You're the one that wants to move slow, so fuck, change it don't talk about it, be about it! I'm upset, angry. THIS is my mood. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuck!

March 28rd, 2025 Your self-worth is determined by you. You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are. I would have done anything for you.  I pick up pins and sharp glass shards off the floor for you, so you can walk around your day smoothly, unharmed. But my hands are bleeding.  I carry the weight of the world for you. You see tiny rocks and the rest of the weight is invisible to you. I would move mountains for you, you wouldn't move so much as a chair for me. You have a comfortable seat in my heart. The highest of places. I'm not even in yours. Y ou are the whole universe, my everything. I'm merely a comet that's in your way. I swim through all seven oceans to be with you, you won't even lift a foot to be closer to me.  Your smile is real. Lately, mine is not. I deserve the same, if not more. Why don't you see the value in me? I cannot question if I'm worthy or good enough for you anymore. I can't put you first. I'd rather be alone ac...

 panic attack "You never know when you might be seeing someone for the last time." I had broken up with you over text messages. I was tired of you choosing everyone and everything else on your days off, everything but me. That night, you decided to stay out with the boys all night. I hadn't seen you for a week. Now that you could drive, we didn't see each other everyday and that was so hard. I got to your house in the middle of your panic attack. You answered the door in your house robe. Cradling a tank. I was gazing into your shiny eyes which refused to look back at me. The world stopped spinning. At that moment, I could see the parallels between our first kiss and our final. As you stand before me, crying, struggling to take in deep breaths, nearly hysterical. I grab you and lay your head on my chest. I couldn't help but picture every long lost memory between us, leading to this very moment.

 March 25th, 2025 "But whats the use? Its gone. She's gone. Whatever existed between us is gone. I tell myself this ten times a day."  Is the anticipation killing you? Or did she already forget? The same way she'd forget to text me and call me. Saturday. It's the coldest f****** day for it to be April , what the hell Colorado? It's supposed to be spring time. I'm shaking, goosebumps up and down my back, my thoughts are blinded by the wind. "I love you Jamie." She said those words to me months ago, on the fifth day that we had been talking to each other. Quick. Dangerously quick. She used to say that to me, everyday. She would announce it to my friends when we were talking on the phone, and she'd be on speaker. I felt special. I was finally loved by somebody. "Baby, we both know you are quick." She could get me to orgasm instantly. QUICK. DANGEROUSLY QUICK. The energy. The love. The connection. It makes me think about that smile, not...

I am not sleeping. I've relapsed. Syringes on the table at the Hilton hotel, the same exact room Dez and I had stayed in together. The last time she promised she would try... She tried for a day, got tired of my bitching and everything came to a complete stop. Now everything is full speed ahead. I'm speedballing and fine with it. I'm sitting in my car in the hotel parking lot. The engine is cold and idle, all my windows are down and the heater is on full blast. I'm staring at the dashboard, eyes glued to a series of writing scribbles etched into the glass.  "How long have I been sitting here? What time am I supposed to check out?" I'm having a full-on conversation with the nobody that sits next to me. Schizophrenia. I haven't slept for 3 days. My fingers frozen and numb, clawing firmly around the steering wheel like I am driving. Knuckles white. I've been parading around the four star hotel in a pair of red short spandex exposing the bottom of my...