Sick As Your Secrets

  6/28/2025  "A bridge can still be built while the bitter waters are flowing beneath." No matter how many times I can imagine it, say it, dream it. You just cannot rewrite the past. And you can't wish your way to the future. The wait is over, the hopes and the dreams of us, of you, it's all over. Healing takes time, maybe ears. I'm missing out. I am held down by sadness and loneliness. I loved you while it lasted and long after you replaced me, long after you forgot my name. I probably could have been more, done more, said less. You will always be a part of my heart and that's okay. I'll remember you when you were in love with me. It's time to give your ghost a new home. You won't haunt me anymore. 

06/25/25      Constancy in love is a good thing; but it means nothing, and is nothing, without constancy in every kind of effort. Love isn't just about words. It's about showing up, even when it's hard. Even if you are great with words, if you never show up, those words manifest into lies. The slow burns and the distance; long and the emptiness starts to test patience and strength. Love thrives in the quiet action; the phone calls, the text messages and the effort to stay connected. Most people have made no effort at all. While I was giving my all, 100 percent of myself to those who didn't deserve even 5% of me. Lesson Learned. If you choose to stay. Don't just say it, do it. Love isn't just a promise, it's the action that follows. If you are lost, unsure, conflicted... should you stay? or should you go? It is okay to feel this way, but you need to make the effort to communication this to your significant other. Love isn't meant to be a constant battle....

  June 23rd 2025  A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.  I would have just sent this in a text message but I don't even think you read mine anymore. I would have called, but you stopped answering those months ago. And before I go, I needed to know, you'd actually read my words even though I know you don't care. So maybe this is for me and I just didn't know who else to write to. Hopefully, you keep smiling. And don't worry, I will be here within the memories we once shared. I'm so grateful for you and the rest of the world. I'm deeply sorry for blaming you. I've been harboring so much guilt and shame for the way I mistreated you. The words that I never ever meant to say. And the reason that I lost you. I am the one who decided to break up with you. I'm the one who relapsed and asked for an open relationship. I was the one who refused to wait for you, to be patient and open. Our relationship stopped being about...

  June 22nd 2025  “The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” Bruises on my skin, like purple watercolor. Smaller than before, body like porcelain.  Perfection.  Coffee rings on the nightstand, open soda cans litter the kitchen counter. Dark halos of my early mornings and late nights.  Scratches on my body are red, bright and bleeding. Uneven tan marks. Short stained. Wishing my hair against your pillow, long blonde strands and soft cotton.. eyes closed and I can see you turn back for a glance. Me laying in your bed, waiting. The corners of your mouth lifting and I see a dance in your eyes. This one is The Love of Mine.  Your friends say, her hand intertwined with the girl and her copper skin. Eyes wide open, shaking my head as I am watching you leave. Please, please don't go, I beg. You are around the corner and you are gone. They don't know what I mean, you don't even know, nothing ...

I re-read our last conversation over text.   "When I feel like talking to you again."  Are you fucking kidding me?  Like, I am just a convenient option.  Am I a fucking door, you can swing open and close, whenever you please.  Available, on your time, always.   Wow. What a terrible thing to say to me. Don't worry about it Dez. I'll make sure that whenever you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like talking to me again, I won't be available. I won't show up for you. WTF.  Why am I even bothering to entertain this bullshit? I don't want to be treated like this anymore, my feelings have changed, for you. How can you tell someone you love them, yet disregard that they exist? this too isn't love. 

  06/10/2025 "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain an thought without accepting it." As you probably know, I'm an engineer, IOT; internet of things. I spent 80% of my life with a computer. So I had to deny the one true consistency always there for me, a friend, ??!??? Attention, in order for me to finally do it. Getting over her. The more she pushed away, the more I tried to get myself closer, by any means, possible. And she didn't even have to know. So, she's walked away, now let her go. Technological advances, social media weren't invented for stalking my ex-girlfriend. But hey, I am a rebel, a hacker and I clearly love torturing myself. This breakup was tricky because she had walked away, moved on and replaced me with a much younger, naive and inexperience potentially toxic child. She wasn't just a one-time oops, a one night stand ... Nope, Dez was committed and desired a future with my replacement, actually spent time with her, to...

06/02/2025 "To be rejected by someone doesn't mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn't mean that nobody will ever love you anymore. Remember that only ONE person has rejected you at the moment, and it only hurt so much because to you, that person's opinion symbolized the opinion of the whole world, of God." I was broken. I'm still broken, probably even more than my 40 years of living. A broken heart from love sickness and having it shattered more than once. Eroded. Crumbling. I've been trying to fix it. One day at a time. I'm going to stop trying, it's a waste of time. When we met, I didn't feel alone, you were the first person to break me open and I believed you love me. All of me for me. My flaws and all. I regret losing you even as a friend. I'm full of scars that will never fade away. I'll try to wear them with pride. Inspiration doesn't always reside in just misery...