adult

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 06/10/2025


"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain an thought without accepting it."

As you probably know, I'm an engineer, IOT; internet of things. I spent 80% of my life with a computer. So I had to deny the one true consistency always there for me, a friend, ??!??? Attention, in order for me to finally do it. Getting over her. The more she pushed away, the more I tried to get myself closer, by any means, possible. And she didn't even have to know. So, she's walked away, now let her go.


Technological advances, social media weren't invented for stalking my ex-girlfriend. But hey, I am a rebel, a hacker and I clearly love torturing myself. This breakup was tricky because she had walked away, moved on and replaced me with a much younger, naive and inexperience potentially toxic child. She wasn't just a one-time oops, a one night stand ... Nope, Dez was committed and desired a future with my replacement, actually spent time with her, took her out on dates, went out together, Dez, quit her job, and made so much of an effort for her new girlfriend and that was a fucking punch to my gut.


To my disappointment, four months later, they are still together, with no signs of an end in sight. I'm pathetic, they have now been together longer than I have known Dezaray. But, here I am, the sad, desperate pathetic shell of a being who just couldn't and still cant let go. I didn't talk to her, see her, or have any kind of communication with her anymore. YETTTTTTTTTTTTT, I allowed her to emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually most importantly technologically stay around in my life.


Who was to blame?

Why, me, of course.


Technology made it borderline impossible to let her go. I wanted to maintain a connection with her, stay close to her and I know, it's not healthy. Especially not to the levels I took things with my cyberstalking. She was a pretty little liar and I needed to expose that.


Yes I can hack, pretty much anything; bank accounts, social media, double verification…my job at Lockheed martin, was to "ethically" hack into Black boxes that are installed on all military jets and airplanes. Hacking into a social media account and a cell phone was simple. Like a easy bake oven.


Unfortunately ....


All this did was literally make me crazy, obsessed. Like all of the homicidal boyfriends on dateline who stocked their ex and it eventually led to murder. Well, let's just hope it doesn't lead to that… this was no longer about love, this was about my ego my reputation my inability to accept that someone didn't love me and replaced me with such little effort in between. This was about revenge, spitefulness and proving to myself that she wasn't a good person. Maybe it would help me with closure, getting over her.

Well it really didn't.


My days were spent monitoring her social media and my night's texting her hateful messages, hundreds of them. Demanding she come forward with the truth. I mean let's put it in perspective, if someone can lie to you for over 3 months about having a girlfriend all while still talking to you, telling you how much they love you…


WHY on Earth would you believe they would ever offer you a glimpse of the truth?


BUT ALL I WAS doing WAS giving HER attention, inflating HER ego. Yes, this WAS helping HER in HER current relationship.  I WAS CONTINUING TO GIVE her confidence. I'd often find myself sending promiscuous, nude and sexual photos, AND WELL THIS was helping her GET WET, FOREPLAY ... WELL, WHO WAS SHE GOING TO SHARE ALL THOSE SEXUAL DESIRES AND NEEDS WITH ???? duh, her new girlfriend. I WOULD text her novels ,reliving our passionate, LUSTFUL nights, describing in great detail about THE INCREDIBLE CONNECTION WE HAD AND THE fire sex, in her bed, in the park and in the car… telling her how bad I needed her and wanted her to do all sorts of nasty things to my body… again good job, get her all aroused, horny, JUST IN TIME FOR HER GIRLFRIEND TO BE THERE TO PLEASE HER. PERFECT.


Fucking idiot.


My point…constantly hovering over her social media pages, checking out all her new friends, packing into her messenger, reading all of the truth that she couldn't tell me…didn't help me move on. I wasted so much time and energy on someone who didn't want me anyway. She didn't care enough to tell me the truth or respect me when we were together. WHY DID I EXPECT HER TO TEXT ME BACK? SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE GIVEN ME THE TRUTH, THE TRUE STORY OF WHAT RELLY HAD OCCURRED BETWEEN HER AND HALEY, SHE WOULD NEVER OF TOLD ME THE TRUTH ABOUT HER TRUE FEELINGS, FLEETING MIND, AND HER INFIDEILITY. NOT EVEN IF I PRESENTED ALL OF THE EVIDENCE THAT I HAVE, CATCHING HER RED HANDED.


Just, stop.


So, what did I want? I wanted love, honesty, connection and she's right, she will never be good enough for me. So, finally I stopped the insanity, the addiction, the chase... this false reality, WANTING SOMEONE WHO DID NOT EXIST.


A WORD OF ADVICE ... IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A SIMILAR SITUATION, do not bash your ex on social media, do not text them a bunch of hurtful lies to try and get back at them.


This is how they will remember you.

All those words.

So, don't be like Me.


You will regret it.

I regret it.


You are an adult so act like one. 



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