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crazy killer

crazy killer

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June 18th, 2017 Sometimes I think I am going mad. I live for days in the mystery and tears of things so that the commonest object, the most familiar face - even my own- becomes ghostly, unreal, enigmatic. I get into an attitude of almost total skepticism, nescience, solipsism even, in a world of dumb, sphinx-like things that cannot explain themselves. The discovery of how I am situated as a sentient being on a globe in space overshadows me. I wish I was just nothing. P.T.S.D I haven't really had time to process it all. Or maybe I will just push it under a rug, that rug. It's cramped, packed full. Spilling out over the ends. How much more can I sweep under that rug? It is so ugly anyway, I need to get rid of it, donate it to Goodwill. “You're crazy”. The words just echo over and over in my head. I guess my father could fabricate quite a good story in the last five years. Where I am? What I am doing? Who? How? What? Why?  What the fuck ever.  Well, crazy successful. I wish Ce...
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karma

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January 10th, 2026 "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." I'm not late. I am not early. I arrive exactly when your ego thinks I forgot. I am not thunder. I am the echo and the lightning. A silence that stings harder than your lips. I don't chase. I won't.  Trust me. You are in your way back to me.  You thought you got away with it, didn't you. No one saw your lies, manipulation. The pawn you wrapped in pretty works. Fake apologies. I was watching. Not a punishment. As a balance. Because, the universe. No need to raise your voice and scream. It just needs me. I am not revenge.  I am the correction.  Not a monster, a mirror.  A reflection of every sin, no one else would know.  Surprise! I remember everything.  The heart that you broke, I held them together.  The trust you shattered, I stitched it shut.  Now you?  You get to feel the weight of what you left behind.  Not because I hate your because you fed me....
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hue

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 01/01/2026 "she had felt a conscious serendipity, a sense that this may not have been planned but had become, the minute it happened, what was meant to be". I watch her paint brush move across the surface, black light acrylic paint. We are all blank canvases at first ... Pure. White. Unequivocal.  ...Of New Beginnings and Second Chances.  It is the new year.  All of us starting with a blank slate, promising to be better versions of ourselves, swearing we will be structured, eat less, work out more, make a ton of money. If only this year...  and then, tainted.  BLUE  smears across the canvas, triangles of some sort... BLUE voodoo. the color of my beloved Toyota tundra.  R.I.P. Tony The Tiger.  BLUE the color of the diamond studded dress, the night sky wore to the party. a date I wasn't invited to... insomnia loves to take me. BLUE healing bruises from exes that claim to of loved me. splashes across my thighs, oil paintings.  BLUE mellow ...
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child like

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12/05/2025 "Never above you, never below you, always beside you." Blooming flared emotions. Confused heart broken and trust issues. This is what our reality has become... And it's taking every ounce of my strength not to explode my feelings. We both know when I'm hurt, my feelings come out wrong, I shut down. Quiet, avoidant, easily provoked. You are loud, anxious. Erratic. Borderline violent.  I'm jaded from trying to hate you. Then I think about your smile. And I've got to accept I cannot stop loving you. You're the only one I think about. You can break the glass, discovering the vulnerable rose petals petals of a loving soul. I was to pour my heart out to you. You kept your distance. I've been waiting and longing for you to be here for me. Please, do not fear me. I swear, I will never leave you or let you go. We belong together. You block me from ever entering your heart. I don't want to grow without you. I want to love you. You want me to hear ...
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feel me

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11/27/25 “Respect other people's feelings. It might mean nothing to you, but it could mean everything to them.” Happiness is healing with someone who understands you without needing words.  Everything starts with how we feel. It's the birthplace of change. So, how do I feel? Right now, at this moment, how do I feel? "Okay" is not a feeling, and neither is "meh." Close your eyes. Breathe, In and out. Slowly. I grew up always pulling from logic instead of emotions. I became reactive rather than responsive. I suppressed and ignored instead of addressing and releasing. This is how we survive. Can you imagine how different my life would have been if I known this 20 years ago? And I would have addressed my father for raping and molesting me? Well, fear got in the way and I never did. So, instead of healing from my emotional scars, I've just covered them up, with Band-Aids made of "should have" and shame. I turned my emotional faucet off and started t...
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baby love

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October 29th, 2025 "She wasn't exactly sure when it happened. Or even when it started. All she knew for sure was that right here and now, she was falling hard and she could only pray that he was feeling the same way.” Mutually, we have corrected this day. For you to feel my warmth, next to you. Heartbeats humming in joy. You... Heartbeats. Peace. Calming. Just us. Again.... My flesh penetrates against your pelvis. As you admire what's only exposed to you, caressing every single layer on the inside. You stare into my blue eyes. My sail is guiding you to explore all of me. After all, I am yours. And you are mine. In erotic chemistry. Our souls lead us to love. As I indulge in the warmth of you, the one I love
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napkin?

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October 24th 2025 "I swear to you I won't stop until your legs are shaking and the neighbors know my name." All over the place. Your bedroom. It's early in the morning 1:03 a.m. I'm elevated by the passion you let me pour into your mouth. Wide open.  You eagerly gulp me. No idea how dehydrated you are AND I'm famished. Hungry for your love. Until, you flipped it up and I smacked it down. As I willingly fed you soul food.  Napkin ? Nah… we both know it is going to get all over the place. Sheets will be soaked. And I'm sure you won't wash your lips, so I can remain on your mouth. In your mouth.  Every moment I want to save you. No Usher Raymond but I do got it bad.  And I've been really bad. My aroma makes you feen for it.  Sex pussy energy.  I'm not trying to go to rehab, no need to save me now. My SOS is right here and I'm disguised as Niagara falls.  I give up trying to stay afloat. Take me down with a good cause.  Sacrifice me essentiall...
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melting dessert

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  October 16th, 2025 She kisses me softly in places that the Sun never touches. She caresses my fears with words full of love and through the fears, breathless touch. I am no longer scared to fall in love. 
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always together

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October 11th, 2026 To choose to love is to take a risk.      How do I do this? How do I unravel the intimate thoughts in my mind? How can I separate you, your face, your touch, your heart from intimacy, sex, desire, passion and love? I am just your pawn. I am laying in bed playing a scene in my head. You are laying in my lap as I rub my fingers through your hair. Your arms gripping my thighs, as new girl is playing in the background. My hands, your mouth alone with my words. Make love to the dimensions of my soul. I know what I want. Craving the taste of you. I long to hear you whisper you love me and wait for you. I'm afraid of transformation, change and real healing. Time has gotten away from me, stroking past midnight into my new reality. I've been denying my needs and my wants, putting you above all else. Thoughts. Time. Distance. Eternity.
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questionary

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  October 9th, 2025 "To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves." Will I feel the intensity when I approach you? Is your soul yearning my sultry vibrations enthralling you. Make love to me with your words. Let our actions be exposed. Insanely in love. Are your hands anxious to my touch? Will your butterflies swarm the sweetness of my lips? Am I your pleasant addiction? You are fixed, I flood all of your senses. Is my vibe the adrenaline rushing you? Am I the desiring passion floating into your subconscious? Is your heart pounding like an orchestra? Lure me in closer. And tell me…does it anger you, I know I am no longer next to you? Are you wet for me? In these calm waters? Or maybe explosive like a tsunami? Tell me. Am I the flame of your obsession? The single rose blooming in your garden. The moon's fascination. Pull me closer. Tell me. How bad do you want me?
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the bride of the leader

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Feb. 18th, 1999 People always ask me, if I still speak to my family. I tell them I was excommunicated from FLDS for drinking caffeinated beverages, like Ice Coffee from Starbucks. This is really only partially true. If you want me to justify my reasoning for lying, sure I can do that for you. I was protecting myself, my pride, the way people would look at me if I would have told them the truth. I am not looking for sympathy, disgusted looks, judgement or ridicule. It was hard enough to live through it, so I needed to stay strong, believe in love, faith and mostly, in myself.  I'm an open book.  Read on. ;) ******************************************* I'm speeding down the highway at 1:30 in the morning, heading straight for the Mexico border. A 45 minute drive from our house I could make it before my dad woke up for work. I'm driving my mother suburban, crimson and green, pretty noticeable vehicle, probably the only car ever seen painted with these ugly colors.  I had my d...
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notebook

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 04/02/25 I warned you, I like to play games. I don't like facing the end of movies, especially the notebook. I'll pause them more than necessary today with these characters I've grown to love just a little longer before the credit roll.  I attempt to do the same thing in life with people, especially lovers. Can the Earth stop spinning for a minute as I take in all that is the present moment? I am high as fuck.  Way too many benzos, opiates and sleeping pills. I feel like I'm about to hurl all over. I don't wish for anything more and yet I wish for a lifetime of pills. I need some clear in my syringe...... ohhhhhh shit I'd hidden that bag of dope somewhere... Where could it be? I needed to find it before I fell back to sleep standing up. And this is what happens when I'm abandoned. This is my cycle, my curse and no matter how much therapy, how much I'm aware and prepared, this is what I become. A thing they don't tell you about breakups, is the love ...
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strike humble

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10/6/2025  "It is the return of a dog to his vomit." I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better friend.  It's sad to see you go. You cry on the way to the airport, as you try to convince me we are for each other. I can only respond, I know. I try to reassure you that we will be together soon. It only makes you cry harder. Anything I say… won't keep you here. You have to go. And I knew we would both fall in love. I also knew we would have to say goodbye.. I'm not good at goodbyes. I hate goodbyes. I guess everyone leaves your life eventually. And then again you're alone.  No one can save me. Not even you. But Maybe I should have called and I didn't.  I'm in a bad place right now. Nothing is right, except for you and you've left. I've told you parts of my life. There are so many parts I'm leaving out. No one would love me. It's even difficult for me to type this. To add this story t...
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check box

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October 5th 2025  I’m burning in despair Love which you distanced from me Return once again I’ll forgive you again. I think about taking you by the hand, walking to the shoreline in the sand under the stars in the moonlight. Nothing could make me happier than spend my life with you. Maybe everything I've done, every decision I've made, every lesson learned, every place I've gone was to leave me right to you. Faith? Hope? Do I believe? You ask.  What would you say when I tell you that all of the libraries on this Earth can't possibly hold all of the volumes of books that I could write filled with the intricate descriptions of your beauty and my feelings for you?  Do you understand the depths? I cannot wait for the day, I can transform hours intO OURS.  HOW LONG MUST I WAIT? FOREVER, IS OKAY. WHEN WE LIVE TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE, HAND IN HAND, CAN KISSES BE OUR CURRENCY? HUGS OUR CREDIT?  I don't ask for much. I am loving enough, nothing is too much for you. I hope ...
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meet. again.

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10/04/25 "Sometimes you want to remember. And sometimes you need to forget. " Do we stay bound by comfort? Or leave chasing a sliver of hope, something new is on the horizon. I trace every crack in our love, each line a question unanswered. Letting Go isn't defeat. It's release.. Like an orgasm. And maybe in the space where we once stood, we will find the courage to begin again. The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting us again.
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one pill makes you larger

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October 1st, 2025 "If you can quit for a day, you can quit for a lifetime."      Who ever came up with that quotes is full of fucking shit, they probably have never even touched a drug in their life, probably still a virgin and was bullied throughout high school. Speaking of pills, h ow can you possibly fake so much happiness in one tiny little pill?      I understand why people become addicted, especially to pharmaceuticals. I remember my pharmacist reminding me; "don't drive or operate heavy machinery, Miss Jamie. Nodding my head, acting as if I was agreeing with her, rather I was listening to the white paper bag in her hands. My days and nights were about to get 10 times better. Klonopin, sure it did make me a slightly drowsy. Xanax made me super relaxed... and well, Ambien made me crazy. Just add a little tequila which made me fucking psychotic. I would yell, scream, throw glass plates at walls, wake up in parking lots, and say shit to people I didn't ...
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fire fighter

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October 1st, 2025 "Chemistry is you touching my mind and setting my body on fire." Let me love you like Sappho. Fuck you like Zeus. Baby, please let me cause chaos like Aries. You are, we are, WET FIRE. Anxious, heavy breathing. I can't take the suspense, this hunger of being sexually deprived. The intensity of thinking about you loving me. Making my purple lace render. I'm ready to show up in just a trench. Anticipation of you touching me. I have been dry to many lovers that aren't for me. But you, you who floods my drought, it's time you eat me out. You know I'm worthy and I'm thinking you... look a bit thirsty. Blood, sweat, tears and my desires to fuck you tonight. I know you are craving me too. You confess to me you had a private party going solo in your bed. Legs on the wall. You couldn't wait, that pulse was between your legs. The look in your eyes when you are screaming how bad you want me. With a smile that initiated intimate pulsation. P...
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dating month

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 September 25, 2025 Love, a sparkle between fingertips, eyes like soft lanterns in the dark. We built promises and whispers. Kisses woven with threads of forever. Laughter curled in the corners of every room, thinking, we could last as it is. Every Dawn of a New beginning, every touch is a gentle reminder. We were at home with each other. The home we used to call the place that kept our warmth, always burning with fire and desire. I can set the whole sky on fire. Make clouds burst. As thunder roars its way down the blooming flowers of your mind. Destroy them to ashes as I shatter your peace. Your serenity, body and soul. You'll still look up at me as I will be smiling looking so breathtakingly gorgeous. Beautiful.  And you'll blush.
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a trip to hell and back

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September 11th 2025 It has taken me years to actually even be able to write about this shit, admit it, accept it, not hide away from it.  It's likely the victim impact statement... I had to write that has triggered all of these memories.  Tiffany had played the victim so well. I couldn't be one. I believed I was the abuser, defective and worth nothing. I was so fearful she would self harm, her cries that she'd kill herself. I was blind to the manipulation that everyone around me said was so obvious. I was scared for her mental health. I put her selfishness above my own safety and stability, this was not the first time.  I was already broken when I met Tiffany, freshly divorced. Verbal, physical and sexual abuse is all I have ever known. My father, my ex-wife and now... Tiffany. With love, always came some form of pain and compromise. I have never been in a healthy, safe, relationship, so how was I to really know what that was suppose to feel like... or even look like? G...
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