notebook

 04/02/25

I warned you, I like to play games.

I don't like facing the end of movies, especially the notebook. I'll pause them more than necessary today with these characters I've grown to love just a little longer before the credit roll. I attempt to do the same thing in life with people, especially lovers.

Can the Earth stop spinning for a minute as I take in all that is the present moment? I am high as fuck. Way too many benzos, opiates and sleeping pills. I feel like I'm about to hurl all over. I don't wish for anything more and yet I wish for a lifetime of pills. I need some clear in my syringe...... ohhhhhh shit I'd hidden that bag of dope somewhere... Where could it be? I needed to find it before I fell back to sleep standing up. And this is what happens when I'm abandoned. This is my cycle, my curse and no matter how much therapy, how much I'm aware and prepared, this is what I become.

A thing they don't tell you about breakups, is the love doesn't just stop when the relationship ends. Not for me, anyway. She will always be someone I love, someone I loved sober. And I'll always remember our instant connection, our energy and balance. Her eyes, that smile and the way the Earth felt in the midst of air, our first kiss and final kiss will forever be ingrained as a part of my story. 

A dumb story, turned into tragedy as all love stories end up becoming. 

There is no use fighting this ending the second I stop writing, my mind will take on the weight of having to recall the details of what we were. I know it's the end and we had to let go. 

I can't keep asking why until eternity to never get answers. All beauty fades, like dying roses pedals crusting against my fingers. I love you baby. I will always find aspects to love in every crevice of our moments. Saying goodbye to the future we could have had is one of the hardest conclusions I've ever had to make.

I put my foot on the brake and push the start button in my car.

Engine starts.

And this is it. 

I can still taste her on my lips.