the end

 04/09/1999

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”

I thought for sure I was going to die in the spring of 1999. It was going to be the end of my survival, my term, my duration, my existence would be then extinct, just like all the former living beasts and ... dinosaurs. 

I was 13 years old, vomiting as I ran. The vomit dripped down my chin and onto the roadway leaving a yellow stain. My lungs were burning inside of my chest, like acid reflux. The muscles in my legs were cramping up with each pounding stride up the black asphalted street. My nose and throat felt as if they had been sandpapered raw from the dust that I kicked up in little puffs with each step. The Arizona desert landscape was no mercy, the sweat ran off my broad forehead and into my bright blue eyes. The sweat mixed in with my tears and blurred my vision. Without slowing down, I reached up to wipe the salty mixture from my puffy eyes. Cross Country runner, following in my mother's footsteps. Running was like therapy to me, everyday, except for this day.

The well used road came to an abrupt turn, my worn adidas jogging shoes slipped out from underneath me. I fought to regain my balance. I went down on my knees hitting the rocky path. I hear the tear of my running shorts, splitting at the seam from vagina to butt. I felt the skin on my knees and palms scraping off as I skidded to a stop on the ground. Road Kill. That's what I felt like...

My panting turned into deep sobs. My strong shoulders shook. Clenching my fist with anger, I struck the ground where I crouched on one knee. 

"I can't die" I cried hitting the ground again. 

Even as my ears heard those words, my heart tightened with deep sorrow that confirmed what my mind knew to be true. I struggled to my feet, my entire body screamed with pain from running the three miles up the road. Wiping my bloody hands on my pants, then using the back of my hands to clear the tears from my eyes, I started up the road again. My muscular legs pumped as hard and as fast as they could. I slowed my pace, wiping my eyes again and straightening my shoulders, I tried to calm my thoughts and feelings. My heart beat against my ribs with such pain and fury that I had to stop to fight for breath. Taking swifts steps, I walked forward to a dark haunted area that was hidden on the side of the asphalted road that I had been running on. 

My ears had been filled with familiar sounds of babies crying, dogs barking, men talking and women visiting. Not wanting to talk to anyone afraid that they would see thought me, I kept my eyes down on the dusty path. I heard sires of the police cars in the distance. I heard the movement of the dirt in the alley. I saw the shadow on the wall, I fell to my knees and held my hands up toward the dark troubling sky. He was mad at me. 

"Father, please forgive me, I don't want to die tonight." I howled into the dark moonlight. 

I was lucky I was on my knees when it happened. So suddenly, without notice. Tonic seizure. I don't remember any of the details from that moment on, just darkness. I woke up the next morning, in my warm bed. feeling incredibly exhausted. 

I threw the covers off as I heard my mother's voice, "So, I see you are feeling better Elmer Roo." 

I swiftly walked to the cabinet for Quaker oat squares and a banana. "Yes, fine." I responded, wearily, maybe slightly cold. Reaching for the handle of the cabinet, I felt a painful stinging in my left hand, a dark red abrasion of ripped skin and dried blood.