ANGRY CHALK

MARCH 11, 2012

"we live in illusion

and the appearance of things

there is a reality

we are reality

and when you understand this...

you will see you are nothing

and being nothing you are everything

that is all."

For some reason I clung to her like a leech. When she would leave the house, to run an errand I would be incredibly afraid. I have been bound to the roots of lesbianism- an ingrained response to past events and emotions which have led me to the current attitudes and reactions.

I’ve wondered for many years whether words, actions or genetic environmental factors are responsible for my addiction and homosexual lifestyle.

The truth is I want to blame my mistakes on someone or something, instead of owning up to my destructive behavior. I know all about my family’s history, my grandfather is an alcoholic... that is the extent of it, end of story. I was not exposed to drugs or alcohol and my parents weren’t the kind of parents who had cocktail parties and drank themselves to sleep every night.

Actually, the exact opposite, my mother was a stay at home mother. My dad was a hard working, dedicated owner of a thriving construction company that he started at the age of 17. He was a role model, financially stable and a family man. Throughout my younger years, during elementary school and high school he didn’t miss a single track meet, basketball game or volleyball game.

I pick up my twenty years worth of journals, diary entries and short stories that I have written detailing my trials, tribulations and life adventures. My story holds a long trail of words describing loss and documenting my pain, destruction, despair and hope. So, I sit at Starbucks before my computer, knowing I must type.

I have made many mistakes, my family has made mistakes, after all, no one is perfect. 

But maybe by sharing my story it will help others; maybe it will help me. In my pain, I begin to understand, in my collective stories, I listen to find hope, in my love, I continue to believe.