the daughter

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12/01/2013




“I lie to myself all the time, but I never believe me”


I wish I drank too much, acceptable and legal. They should legalize meth, we'd all be highly functioning in society. JoBeth drank everyday; at lunch, it was wine, dinner, it was beer and late evenings she hit the bottle, hard liquor. A 'phase', my parents would say. My dad drinks, Jill drinks, a follower of JoBeth. My mom didn't drink often. Rarely, really. I didn't like to drink. Mother like daughter.

I shutter when you speak to me. I tell you everything you want to hear. The lies seamlessly role off my tongue, what if I told you what I really felt? The things that consume my daily thoughts, the angry words, fade and tears stream from my blue eyes. I can't ever make you happy or proud. Boundaries? I don't know how...It is easier to describe to you the serenity of my life, as you'd want it; Bible studies, church, boys and working out. I want to speak my mind and tell you all of the things that break my heart, things I haven’t forgiven you for.. its the past, and we don't dare discuss the past. 

The feeling of a cigarette before the sun rise. I told you I quit a month ago. Better than to tell you I'm sicker than this. Maybe I need more than a pat on the back and a lecture how it's not okay with God. I have to check in with you daily, and if I don't.. Oh God, the text messages, 24 messages the next day, really?

“Are you breathing?”

“Are you okay, Elmer?”

“Do I need to come up there?”

The overwhelming pressure chokes the air out of my wind pipes and I run aimlessly about in my mind, Jesus, all this anxiety. Let go. You are holding way to tight. You have told me to give it time, time heals all wounds. And I have given it all the time in the world, Mother, time is running out. The air is thick and heavy, I'm intoxicated. YouR hands so lovingly are at my throat and the bottomless promises I swallowed are making deals with the devil. Dads vicious controlling demands drill through my esophagus, the pain escaping like the smoke in my lungs.

Another day has gone. The sun begins to set and some how I forgot what I'm trying so hard for anyway.

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