minicrack

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April, 23rd 2014




“Guilt was acid in our veins. It corroded everything. Out heart. Our lungs. Our Throat.”


It has been 24 months and counting. They thought it had been 2 years of sobriety, no crank, cocaine, nicotine, prescription pills. Its too bad the world is full of such compromise and acceptance of narcotics prescribed by a physician. Surrounded by arrogant, ignorant, stupid people. 3 months into my internship at Teen Challenge, I was given hydrocodone for my head splitting migraines. One months later, my primary care physician gave me a script to fill for Percocet, the hydrocodone wasn't helping with the migraines, and a 90 day supply for Xanax. Of course, I was feeling a bit anxious, a band-aid for my panic attacks and anxiety. I truly believe any person would experience the same feelings if they were living in petri-dish with drug addicted women and all of their “special” needs children. 

One morning, I rolled over to find an empty Xanax bottle. I filled the damn thing on Wednesday, it was Saturday. 90 day supply, gone. Doctor shopping was simple, filling a prescription at a pharmacy without my health insurance on file, yep. This made tracking of my medication a bit more difficult. Generic. Pay out of pocket. Right.  

Eventually, yes I moved out of the home of hope into a beautiful apartment within reach of the sober living facility. I sought a psychiatrist, filled a much needed dose of Desoxyn, ahhhhh yes, legal methamphetamine. I did my homework, I was so much better at manipulation and lying. I kept to myself. I learned how to hide everything, homosexuality, religious beliefs, the drug use. Yesterday, I got two cards in the mail one from Grandma, the other, my parental units. A gift was enclosed, a $50.00 gift card to Starbucks.


“Congratulations, we couldn't be more proud of you and your 2 years sober."


I wonder which year we stop celebrating sobriety? It has been 24 months and counting.


Guilt consumes my soul.

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