Sick As Your Secrets

June 9th, 2024  I could completely control a person—a person that I found physically attractive, and keep them with me as long as possible, even if it meant just keeping a part of them. Now that I am here, in Fort Collins, in her studio apartment. I don't think she's going to let me leave or take me back home. I'm trapped. Caged. Like an animal. Forever. Alive or dead. It doesn't matter to her as long as my soul remains hers. Dahmer vibes.

June 9th 2024  "But right now everything looks strange to me, as if I don't belong here. Its me that's out of place. And the worst thing is that I feel there's somewhere I do belong, but i just cant find it. " "wanna be my lover... wanna be my lover?" over and over in my head. I can't even remember when I last heard that song but I woke up, two days ago and its still in my head. Correct, I have not slept for two days or so... ugh. I'm gaining so much weight, I am fat. All my shorts are super tight and some of them. I can't even button the top button. Classy. Cute. I am eating trash, depressed as fuck and not working out anymore. Cheap food isn't healthy. Randomly just thought about sobering up this weekend. HERE we go with the sobering up battle. No one is here in the house, I could just watch tv with Beanz. U GH. I think that is my problem, I keep trying to do it oN my own terms without any support or help. No accountability. I want ...

June 4th, 2024 “Being able to make a cup of coffee, in my own kitchen, without fear is the best thing imaginable” I'm in this deep pit of self loathing, hatred, failure and I can't climb out. How am I failing if I haven't even tried? After all, I am the only one that is in control of my future, my success and my career. If I don't stand up, or even try, then is this technical failing? How can I find my way back to the top of this pit? Problem solving one of my strengths, so fuck, find a way, your way and you'll find yourself! again & again & again My thoughts are interrupted by a loud ringing. UCHEALTH displayed on the caller id of my phone. The phone rang for a second time.... I grab my phone and quickly declined the call. It's 10:32 pm, why is Tiffany calling? There are three mandatory orders of protection, and she should not be calling me. Hasn't she learned yet? She gets off work at 10:30pm, she is off, so, go home!!!!!!!!!!! Leave me alone. Ple...

06/03/2024 Death didn't come in the form of an alien, prick of a needle, a curse from a rebel, a bite from an apple. i thought i'd come in a car crash, a disease or a bullet, I'd catch.  death took the form of sounds heard, moving lips, her rage, the tone of her low raspy voice, the finger she points at me, aggressively shoving her emotions into the void of my heart.  do not corner a dog with a bone.  do you hear that?  I am calm, unbothered, emotionless by her tantrums and violence. it only intensifies her episode. i've been pushing her away since I had met her. she has the mind of a child, frontal lobe damage, inability to control, this unable to understand social cues. if she could read mine, maybe she'd stop, take a breath, step back and walk away.  instead she becomes a monster, fight or flight.   i've learned from my past mistakes.  i always run.  protect yourself. no one in this would will be there for you when shit hits the fan, no one car...