death machine

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June 4th, 2024


“Being able to make a cup of coffee, in my own kitchen, without fear is the best thing imaginable”

I'm in this deep pit of self loathing, hatred, failure and I can't climb out. How am I failing if I haven't even tried? After all, I am the only one that is in control of my future, my success and my career. If I don't stand up, or even try, then is this technical failing? How can I find my way back to the top of this pit? Problem solving one of my strengths, so fuck, find a way, your way and you'll find yourself!


again & again & again


My thoughts are interrupted by a loud ringing. UCHEALTH displayed on the caller id of my phone. The phone rang for a second time.... I grab my phone and quickly declined the call. It's 10:32 pm, why is Tiffany calling? There are three mandatory orders of protection, and she should not be calling me. Hasn't she learned yet? She gets off work at 10:30pm, she is off, so, go home!!!!!!!!!!! Leave me alone. Please, don't worry about me anymore. And I have told her again and again to move on. I need time and space, she isn't the one for me. She has been a distraction and social highlight...


well...


I will admit, it is hard for me not to think about her, especially before I fall asleep. AND when I get up in the morning, she is sometimes my mind. I wish she wasn't so God Damn violent. The physical abuse has taken a toll on my mental health. I have been stuck in this abuse cycle and I need to get out of it. I am conscious and aware of this pattern, so fix it!!!!!!!!!!! I felt at home with her; Gunner Doja and Molly (most of the time). That's how it was suppose to be, the two of us. HA. BUT Fuck forever with her. I honestly didn't believe in forever after I witnessed her kick Doja in my kitchen and then proceeded to punch me in the face. I dodged her drunken attempt. She's lucky, because that could of been assault that night. Instead she was arrested on an active warrant out in Larimer County.


I am in Broomfield, and it is really lonely here...


I have so much unforgiveness towards her, I am upset she CANNOT control herself.


again & again & again


Of course, it is my fault for continuing to come around her again, giving her so many chances to fix the bullshit. I am down and out, and cannot listen to anymore of her insults, her degrading my self worth. I do that myself, thank you very much.


Somedays, I feel conflicted. It is painful when I cannot talk to her on the phone.... maybe she's better friend than a romantic partner. Sometimes, I miss her touch, her kiss and well, LEZ BE HONEST, sexually, I occasionally miss that too. Who wouldn't? She made me feel wanted and desired, most of the time.


Lately, since, I made the decision to hop on the sober train, go cold turkey and quit using meth, I don't really think about sex much. It is okay, this is a familiar pattern, when I start my sobriety journey. My sex drive decreases to almost nothing. BUT within a couple of months, my sexual appetite EXCELERATES EXPONENTIALLY. AND then I run into other problems.... having a high sex drive as a female is uncommon.... I have never in my 25 years met another female who matches my energy in the bedroom, or can keep up with it, anyway. So, I end up seeing multiple women at the same time, and that in itself leads to jealousy, toxicity, and drama. (all the while, I am just trying to get some.... ;) )


Anyway, I am off to bed, its late. I have been up writing for the last hour.


I am not about to answer my phone. I have nine missed calls from UCHealth.


SMH.


Good night.


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