dangerously quick
March 25th, 2025
Is the anticipation killing you? Or did she already forget? The same way she'd forget to text me and call me. Saturday. It's the coldest f****** day for it to be April , what the hell Colorado? It's supposed to be spring time. I'm shaking, goosebumps up and down my back, my thoughts are blinded by the wind.
"I love you Jamie."
She said those words to me months ago, on the fifth day that we had been talking to each other.
Quick. Dangerously quick.
She used to say that to me, everyday. She would announce it to my friends when we were talking on the phone, and she'd be on speaker. I felt special. I was finally loved by somebody.
"Baby, we both know you are quick."
She could get me to orgasm instantly.
QUICK. DANGEROUSLY QUICK.
The energy. The love. The connection.
It makes me think about that smile, not her everyday smile. When we be messing around, her fingers deep inside of me, she's look into my eyes and God… she'd have this grin on her face, the cutest expression I've ever seen in my whole entire life. It's like she knew when I was getting close to an orgasm and mentally I was just stimulating her ego. That smile, I miss it so much.
I wish I would have savored those moments. Because I would do just about anything to see that sweet sexy grin on her face. Just one more time.
Saturday. Remember it's Saturday. And we are back.
I use makeup to cover up my doubts, to instill rest and patience into my eyes. I painted my lips and cheeks red and roses to cover up the dull pale blue spirals away. Things are feeling right. She text me that she is there, at the hotel. I practice my emotions, staring into the bathroom mirror.
The joy I feel when she looks at me, the peace I feel when she's holding me, the warmth I know she will admit with her words. I'm complete, ready.
As I walk over to her car to greet her my toes are deadlocked in my shoes. It throws me off my balance. I'm trying to prepare my heart, not to be emotionally available this evening. Don't be vulnerable. Don't take any more risks. It's going to hurt when she leaves you again. She will always leave. Remember that.
I'm scared to topple over and ruin the perfect image of myself, I have managed to weave together. She's excited to see me, gets out of her car and gently holds me in her arms and then hugging me tighter in her grip. I don't want to let go. I can feel as tears fall from my eyes.
Don't, be strong.
When she's with me the world stops nothing else matters but her but us.
She kisses my lips, soft, gentle and with so much passion, I'm already melting. This time her kisses don't settle my doubt that I somehow got her all wrong. I have a funny feeling that this will be one of our last times that we share together.
My skin is prickling with goosebumps and I'm cold again.
I know I'm supposed to feel something when she hugs me and kisses me. I should see those scarlet letters wiggling their way into my heart and defrosting my mind. Today is meant to be special day.
And I will forever remember it.
********************************************************************************
I feel it. The frost biting back clawing through her warmth. Her words once legible, now fade to pale until there is no color at all. And I know I'm losing her. I slip in and out of her presence mentally as she talks to me. Do I give in to her again like I have done so many times before only to be crushed and broken? And every time it does not hurt less. .. it might hurt more. Every time.
I decided to be present, I noticed her trying to keep me with her my heart, while I am wrapped in all this ice. And I reject her every gesture.
She tells me, she will start trying again.
I don't believe her.
She never tried before, why is today any different?
Why is everything about this love becoming so hard?
Draining.
I told her this before, love flows freely.
She didn't have to try before and she loved me perfectly. If she has to try to love me, it just isn't right anymore.
So stop trying, let love move freely. Just let it be.
I need to bundle myself up like I did on Friday. I need help. I need serious help. My green blanket can fix that, right? She can't fix this. The frost is spreading up my calves pulling me into the direction of the hotel bed. \
I must not fall asleep. Stay awake.
We do shots of Tequilla, sipping on White Claws. She's not suppose to be drinking. I open my purse and pull out a thick white envelope. I count out $1,000.00 and hand it to her.
Why did I feel uncomfortable, like she only showed up tonight for the money? Why do I feel like she is sleeping with me tonight because I paid her?
Hooker shit.
Hustler.
Am I being used?
She is two months behind on rent. She asked me for help. Swore she wasn't like everyone else, using me for my money, promising me she'd pay me back.
This isn't right. I just don't feel right.
She didn't ever ask any more about me. She's overworked, exhausted and absorbed in her own shit, why would she? She's holding my hand, her touch so warm that it's burning my skin and I can't hold it. I let go. I don't want to melt.
"I love you," I whisper, my voice cracks, brittle as the ice is spreading through me.
My tears start to fall.
I needed tonight to be something that, as the evening went on, was not. She is who I needed to bring me back to myself and her words were supposed to spark that for me.
Expectations lead to disappointment. Especially when those expectations are not met.
All of these demands…
It's really about me not wanting to look inside of myself, I'm pointing fingers and blaming everything else on everyone else. I just can't handle being a disappointment to her. I can't handle standing alone. Not being able to be who we once we're together.
The frost is crusted over my lips making it impossible to speak. I want to tell her everything, to collapse at her feet, tell her I'm so sorry for breaking her heart, tell her I've needed her....all the things I didn't say, and the struggles within my life. BUT She doesn't have time for that. And mostly that she deserves someone who is willing to wait, someone strong, someone warm. And that's just not me.
"I love you, Jamie Michelle."
The words hang in the air, white sharp piercing.
All this space between us.
I whisper back, "I believe you Dez."
I see the warmth in her eyes. The love she has for me. Even still. These words used to embrace me in such a loving light. She's staring at me, searching my face for something to hold on to. I can't give her anything.
I fought for her and it's only going to hurt her even more. I'm scared of losing her…
The frost-encrusting me is trying to preserve my entire body now. I know that THIS Saturday was the coldest day of the year.
It was that next morning and she picks up her things and walks out of the hotel room. Out of my life forever. I just didn't know it then.
Frosty little icicles dab into my mind comforting the absence of the one who loved me the most. And I'm alone again. Once again. Abandoned. And I feel so empty. And it seems like nothing will ever fill this void.
I climb into bed that night and I stare at the ceiling. Empty heart, tears pool the corners of my eyes blocking my vision. I cried, a lot. Alone into the night. Whaling at the moonlight.
The last thing I see is the frost spreading it's beautiful finale, encompassing every inch of me and suddenly, I'm warm again.
Date me. You are an incredible human.
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