eightball

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March 18th, 2025



“Crazy starts with a flicker; the flicker will soon turn into a flame, turning everything into ash. In the isolation of my darkness, I first noticed my life's ashes building at the tips of my cigarettes. The real world, my world, my sanity and insanity... they all become the same.”

The less I see her, the less I think about her. Distance ruins relationships, at least for me. Out of clear, can't get a hold of my drug dealer, which is for the best, I guess. I don't want Dez to see me fucked up. being high on anything is so unattractive. I don't even like myself right now. I've torn up, my lip cracking, bleeding, my pointer finger is staying yellow from the packs of cigarettes I've smoked. Eyes are tired. Pupils dilated. I'm emotionally unavailable and I know it. I feel nothing like a junkie again. And well that's what I am.

I don't want to be searching again but honestly I can't even promise that much. And if I get more dope, I'll make up some excuse why I can't see Dezaray and she's trying to make a little bit of time for me and that would probably be the end of everything with her. I can't really see myself being honest and just confessing to her the real reason I can't see her. I don't want to be her mother, but I'm not any better than her. And I can't stand her mother.

My anxiety is high, stress overwhelming and I still am in the same place I've been for the last 18 months. The 18 months that I was sober. Homeless, no job, no car. Fewer friends and coming down. And now avoiding the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time. So, now what? Another cigarette? Probably will get drunk tonight to keep me centered, less hyper focused on the lack of drugs.

Trying to find a reliable meth dealer is the dumbest, craziest statement I've ever made. They don't exist. They all wind up in jail or MIA. Dez wanted to stop by last night and thank God I wasn't home, I was so fucked up and looked like complete shit. So before I drive just in case I run into anyone, I'll make sure I shower, put makeup on, get dressed for the day. Can't go running around looking like a hot mess. Internally, I feel so much worse. I miss how it was with Dezaray, spending endless hours with her everyday. I'm in a very dark depression. Just want to drink my truly and crawl back under my covers and sleep until it's dark outside.

And like a vampire, or just a tweaker. At night it's harder to find people that might have dope. Will laundry, truly, nap until it's dark, adios. 


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