motion therapy

 3/19/2025 

I'm sitting quietly in my chair, hands folded in my lap. My therapist sits upright, pin in hand, smiling at me. Crisp white pant suit, sensible heels, light makeup. 

“Speak calmly…” I whisper to myself, “confidently.” 

“I'm in love.” 

I blurted out before I even sat down on her couch. I couldn't wait to tell her. 

“Like wildly. She's 27, her name is Dezaray.” 

My therapist is trying not to react, though, her mouth is wide open, and has a blank stare on her face. She says nothing, it's just silent. 

“So, a potentially dangerous distraction Jamie?”

Finally she speaks. She tilts her head at me waiting for me to agree. 

“Nope. This is different, I'm going to marry her, I want to have kids. Again.”

 

She cuts me off almost immediately. 

“Jamie let me remind you that you are 40 years old. This is a big age difference. A 13 year age gap. Don't you think you're moving quickly?”

In reality, she was right, I'd been dating Dez for a couple of weeks. And I could see my therapist’s concern. I wanted something beyond what I've been trying to want. I loved her, I felt this wholeheartedly, I was falling in love fast and I couldn't control it. Down down and down, a different kind of downward spiral than what l I was used to. I felt alive, loved, someone truly cared about me. I tasted freedom and I wanted so much more. 

Later that night I'm laying in Dezaray’s bed, my head on her chest and I felt safe, secure and I knew I could do this life with her.