& i am sorry

-

 

"The only thing more painful than being hurt is realizing that I'm the reason for your pain."


The narcissistic part of me hopes you're upset because you are missing me. Because hell, do I miss you. It's been weeks since I've seen your smile and to be frank, I'm still pretty fucked up.


This entry. Well an apology, sort of.


I'm sorry I hurt you.


The relationship started to feel one-sided and I was never your first priority rather your last period. AND then I started catching you in these little white lies.


I confront you and I would just be ignored.

I felt unwanted, devalued and disrespected.

I grew resentful.

And every time you didn't show up, on time or show up at all, I was conflicted, confused...


Do I even bother trying to see my girlfriend?


I felt defeated. I always made time for you yet it was always on your time. The resentment just grew and grew.


And there wasn't any affection or intimacy, rarely in the last week, we were talking. I went out to find that from other people.. and you agreed to this, yet it backfired on me and I suffered consequences. You grew even more distant and you even told me you didn't want to touch me. That night in the backseat of my car. And that fucking hurt.


Who doesn't want to be desired and wanted especially sexually??


I started seeing two girls regularly for intimacy, sexual pleasure and to help fill the void in my heart, because you completely stopped caring about me. You expressed your disgust and disapproval, which left me more conflicted. Because you had stopped loving me yet you still wanted to control the things I wanted and needed. You lost all interest in me, my well-being, my feelings, everything was about you. I kept showing up and being available. The resentment had wrapped around me, consumed me like a demon snake from hell. And then I didn't want to be emotionally available or attached anymore. I completely shut down.


And I'm sorry.


I stopped offering you the truth and started hiding everything I was doing. And I was sleeping around. Testing the water in every single direction of Fort Collins, Loveland and Greeley. You didn't care, you stopped asking me "wyd."


Everything boiled down to one text:


"Hope you have a great day."


Shallow. Pointless. Wasting time. Forced. Pathetic.  You stopped inviting me over to your house, never answered my question as to why, fucked me up with your Facebook bullshit and then realize...


wait........

you don't get to decide myself worth.


I didn't feel loved or even liked by you anymore. I felt like an annoyance to you. I realize a lot of this is my fault. I broke up with you.


& I'm sorry.


I had no idea that you would change so drastically. I'm sure it was so hard to always read my texts complaining about how you were failing me and how much I didn't feel love.


& I am sorry for this.


It was repetitive and constant, you stopped telling me about your days, lunch break would come and go and there was nothing. So then I realized you didn't even want to be my friend. Fuck, that really fucking hurt. Why? What did I do to deserve this?


On your rough days, (you were having so many), I'd be inconsiderate and try to make our situation and my issues worse. I ignored the notion of being positive, encouraging, offering space until eventually you gave up.


I really fucked up & I'm sorry.


I really fucked up the night I became enraged.


It just all got to a point I couldn't feel that way anymore and you needed to know. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. You can't expect me to go from dating the most loving, honest caring and confident woman to dating absolutely nothing. You were my best friend and then just gone. All of the hurtful things I said to you all the times I made you cry, all the times I tried hurting you on purpose.


I am so very sorry for those times...


I was not a good person. I lost self and everything I was. You never deserved to be treated like that. I loved you so much. I let this monster of fear, rejection, resentment and abandonment turn me into your worst nightmare and for that....


I am so so sorry.


mostly I'm sorry i wasn't enough.


I'm sorry... i wanted so badly to be the one for you.




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