apologize

-

April 7th, 2025



I know an apology does not fix what I did to hurt you. I know my actions were unfathomable and I understand the severity of my doing. I'm deeply ashamed and embarrassed. I love you and I want you. There's no excuse for my actions, losing you feels like my world is over. I'm crumbling and it's because of me that this is happening. But just know I was fighting for us. 


All you have ever done was love me, even when I was trying to hurt you. You are still loving me through all of it. You made me feel significant, important and supported. I know if you could give me the world, he would. You deserve so much more, I want to be a better person, just like you.


This is one of the times where I wish we could talk, like when we were together. I want to hug you, fall to pieces and cry on your shoulders. I am losing myself...


One day, I'll show up in your drive-thru and hand you an envelope full of $100 bills. I told you I would and I will follow through on my words.


Even if we are separated, I'm still loving you from a distance. Eventually I won't be able to handle the silence between us. I broke your heart more than once, left you out in the cold, confused, lost free from my grips. I never talk to you after our huge fight, I abandoned you. I ruined a friendship and a relationship. I can't stop thinking about the pain I put you through. I can't live with it. I can't live without you. I love you so much. This will never stop. 


You never did message me on Sunday, so I could get all of my things from your house. I don't blame you. I would have done the same thing.


I wonder if you thought about me today. Are you missing me, like I miss you? Are you at home in bed crying, falling to pieces knowing that this is over? Are you holding on to the hope that maybe we'll be together in the future? You wondering how it turned to this? So much pain and hate. Are you blaming everything on me? I never meant to scare you, I would never do anything to physically hurt you. God I replay our last phone conversation, me yelling at you screaming crying I couldn't control myself so angry and hurt. I've been put on your back burner and told to wait for you, why not now?. Now this isn't even an option. I'm so sad I lost you.


I will eventually forgive myself and forgive you. The next few weeks will be so difficult to deal with waking up looking at my phone to nothing. No I love you no good morning no phone calls or snapchats just like that and you're gone I never wanted this I never wanted to lose you I am so sorry I'm not being understanding and refusing to give you the space you have asked for you'd still be here if I did. And said I was selfish and greedy, needy and anxious you changed so drastically and I just couldn't understand what was happening. I love you so much I'm going to get my life together and focus on stability just so If you ever do come back to me we might finally be just us. Together and happily ever after. I hope this pain doesn't last for long. It's physically debilitating. I love you so much.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

check box

-
Image
October 5th 2025  I’m burning in despair Love which you distanced from me Return once again I’ll forgive you again. I think about taking you by the hand, walking to the shoreline in the sand under the stars in the moonlight. Nothing could make me happier than spend my life with you. Maybe everything I've done, every decision I've made, every lesson learned, every place I've gone was to leave me right to you. Faith? Hope? Do I believe? You ask.  What would you say when I tell you that all of the libraries on this Earth can't possibly hold all of the volumes of books that I could write filled with the intricate descriptions of your beauty and my feelings for you?  Do you understand the depths? I cannot wait for the day, I can transform hours intO OURS.  HOW LONG MUST I WAIT? FOREVER, IS OKAY. WHEN WE LIVE TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE, HAND IN HAND, CAN KISSES BE OUR CURRENCY? HUGS OUR CREDIT?  I don't ask for much. I am loving enough, nothing is too much for you. I hope ...
Read more

smut

-
Image
01/21/25 "open your eyes and see what you can before they close forever." I take my shirt off. Black lacey bra matching my g-string. I pulled my tiny black skirt off around my ankles black stiletto heels stayed on. I took a selfie. I sent it to her. I slide my hand into the top of my gstring. I'm wet. I separated my lips and now massaged my clit. I take my bra off. Selfie. I sent it to her. I take my panties off. Laying in my bed. I video myself touching my wet pussy. I add one finger inside and then two fingers. In and out in and out. I hit my g-spot, I moan her name. I go deeper. Slower. Oh my God I'm so wet for her. Faster, harder. Thinking about her between my legs, eyes looking up at me, I came so hard saying her name. Is this too much? Should I send this to her? I've only known for 4 days.  I video myself again that day. A vibrator. I touch myself soaking wet, push the vibrator into my tight pussy. Lick my left hand from my fingers down to my palm, my le...
Read more

stupid fire

-
Image
 05/09/2025 Harness your own energy, feel the power within. “SAY SOMETHING HOT TO ME IN SPANISH.” “JALAPENO!” Baby…got me thinking about you, again. And when I think about you I can't keep my hands off myself. I'm here to help you too. Soon you two will be nothing but a needy wet mess for me. Bet.  I know, you usually are in control, let's change that just for tonight. I want you to do exactly what I say. And don't you dare think about coming before me or without my permission. How do you like that, a little taste of your own medicine ? Lie down in your bed, get comfy, I'm sure you've had a long day working both of your jobs.  Slowly take off your shirt. Your pants. Let your hands glide over your soft skin. I wish I could be there to kiss your lips, slide my tongue into your mouth, looking at you. Handsome and ready to be loved.  Don't touch yourself yet. Slow down! Just lay there for a minute and think about your aching pussy is your clit throbbing waitin...
Read more

help

-
Image
August 23rd, 2025 " “Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint-it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.” I am having painful thoughts, I don't know how to live, anymore. I haven't written it in the last couple of days. I'm blocked mentally. I feel hopeless, defeated, and suicidal. I'm trying so hard to stay above water, barely breathing. I don't know if I could do it here, kill myself, with Celeste around. She'd be the one to find me and I don't think she'd be able to handle more trauma. I'd have to go, elsewhere. Maybe, the beach. Somewhere, I used to...
Read more

butterfly effect

-
Image
"If I read our story backwards, its about how I un-broke your heart and then we were happy until one day, your forgot about me forever. " You'll probably get your own chapter, I'll title it Dezbian. The only thing that is helping me process everything, is this writing. It's helping me not text you, call you, react and say a bunch of mean things to you. That's not right, that's how I lost you anyway. Do you remember our first date? We met at the kava bar. You couldn't drink because of probation.  I'll never forget how nervous I was all day. I got pretty tipsy before I picked you up at your homeboy's house. You were playing it so cool. That was just you though so calm, cool, collected and relaxed just about everything. Balance you would say. I was always the opposite loud, anxious , excited just a hot mess. It was snowing, it was really hard we stopped at the gas station before I got out I remember thinking in my head you never see me outside of ...
Read more