better now

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"it was a little thing, but piled on all the other little things, it broke something in me."

My therapist suggested saying out loud something positive every single morning.


"I'm better. I'm better. Now."


That's the best I can do this morning. I miss the feeling of waking up beside you, the 50 times your alarm would go off, reset it and crawl back under the covers with me holding me.


Shaking my head, "I'm better now."


I brush my teeth. And get dressed. I try not to think about you, even though everything reminds me about you. Putting on a red and black g-string, I wore it on our third date. I made you dinner that night. I snapped the rubber band around my wrist.


Ouch. I'm better now.


That lacey black bra you told me I looked so sexy wearing. 


I want to burn it.


I try to eat breakfast. Everything is stale in my mouth, the coffee tasteless. The world is less colorful. I'm living in a black and white motion picture.


Is this how you feel everyday? No, because you are fine. Balanced. Calm.


No cap.


Everyone wants to know all the details. Do I tell them that I'm still in love with you? Or the short version, we went our separate ways we just broke up. Oh distance… or that I feel like a whole new person when I was with you. I wanted to get married and have a family with you, no no short version or just not answer at all.. it is too soon to even try and say your name out loud again. And without crying.


How I feel like s*** when I realize that my comments, my post everything Facebook had intended for the audience, my friends and you. What am I missing here? Am I a secret? Is there a reason for this dishonesty? What really burns is the fact that your ex-wife liters your Facebook page, yeah you told me she was Satan herself… there are other girls on your Facebook page that you've dated. But the one you fell so deeply in love with doesn't have a place in your life isn't good enough to be seen by the people that you know. This isn't fair. This is very confusing. 


F*** I snapped the rubber band, ouch I'm better now. Choking back the tears.


I loved you like the sun. I start to think if you ever loved me back or did you just need someone?


I'm better now. I'm better now. I'm better now. 


Right? 


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