butterfly effect

"If I read our story backwards, its about how I un-broke your heart and then we were happy until one day, your forgot about me forever. "

You'll probably get your own chapter, I'll title it Dezbian.

The only thing that is helping me process everything, is this writing. It's helping me not text you, call you, react and say a bunch of mean things to you. That's not right, that's how I lost you anyway.

Do you remember our first date?

We met at the kava bar. You couldn't drink because of probation.

 I'll never forget how nervous I was all day. I got pretty tipsy before I picked you up at your homeboy's house. You were playing it so cool. That was just you though so calm, cool, collected and relaxed just about everything.

Balance you would say.

I was always the opposite loud, anxious , excited just a hot mess.

It was snowing, it was really hard we stopped at the gas station before I got out I remember thinking in my head you never see me outside of my car… I was wearing a short skirt, fishnets and black heels I was hoping as I walked away from the car into the gas station that you would be thinking hot damn she's hot as fuck.

I was so happy, talkative, as we drove to kava you listen and answered my questions politely, yes ma'am. My stomach was nervous and I was so shy and intimidated by your presence.

If I was going to impress you it sure wasn't going to be playing pool… you talk up our sticks, prepare the balls and break you say if I win you have to kiss me. So high school, yeah cute as f*** at the same time. I remember thinking to myself well a good sign, she might think I'm cute. You kicked my ass.

I was so nervous as I approached you. Pulling you close into my body. My jacket was off. I had a small black corset on that exposed my belly ring, my hips and cleavage. Your eyes were looking down, I lifted your head up with one finger underneath your chin.

“I would have kissed you anyway, win or lose.”

Our lips interlocked together, you hardly moved. I let my mouth do the work, I slipped my tongue between your lips for a split second, just a tease. And at that moment I knew I was in trouble. I felt too much, such a foreign feeling. 

We told everyone at the bar how old you were and I was robbing the cradle cougar s***. And I only thought that's what it would be. Dating occasionally I never expected to fall in love with you. You were so young. But it didn't matter because we were so happy.

I recall your text messages “Jamie, You really do make me happy so happy.,”

I saw you every single day. Sometimes twice in the morning in the afternoon and maybe that's why we fell so hard for each other, inseparable, one heart. I showed up for you and you listen to me. You became everything I had ever dreamed of and I would do anything to go back and just live one more of those days again. I'd go back to being your Lyft driver.

I would do things so differently, so I'd have you again, the butterfly effect.