drug cocktails
April 6th, 2025
It's April, 35 degrees and the rain is pouring down. Flying fingers piano music plays on the Sentra car stereo. I've been stuck sitting in my car for the last 89 minutes with the engine running 32 miles left in my tank. I'm unphased.
The drugs fueled me into one cigarette after another, pointer figure stayed a yellowish brown. Toxic. After a taste, I'd be jittery with excitement. Write so fast in my journal, I could go back and read it..???????
There was a physical thing to it. I could sit in my car for hours. I stopped drinking alcohol completely, the second I started getting high again. (this meant rapid weight loss.) Not a problem though, I felt attractive when I was skinnier.
On top of the Adderall, I was taking Hydrocodone, two Xanax and one Ambien, which made me listless, I would just stare at something and not be able to look away for days. Confused.
I wonder if I have taken a breath in or out.
Was that even breathing?
Can I feel my heartbeat?
Am I alive?
Most of my journal entries were angry scribbles about how much I hated my significant other because they didn't want me sexually anymore or they did this and that. Just rage. Sometimes I describe my resolutions bright as epiphanies that these drugs are no good and I need to stop, the raggedness of my nerves, the resolve to fix everything in my failures.
I wrote compulsively of being in love and briefly of the drugs and how it fueled my hatred…
One night, I wandered into the bathroom to pee and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the dirty mirror. I couldn't stop staring at my fucked up face, tweezed eyebrows, bloody lips, I was pale, skinny and my face looked lost, my eyes had no life in them no spark. Through my tears, I went back to bed and the only thing I could think of was The emptiness in my life, and the only thing that would resolve this was to go pick up an 8 Ball of clear.
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