fix us

April 8th 2025 

“A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted mostly because I had assumed that they would be a thousand more."

Words are beautiful, really. To produce them my fingers move about in a rhythmic and therapeutic manner across the lined notebook pages. My thoughts, emotions, secrets, all delivered silently, no human being would ever accept me if these words were spoken with the sound of my voice. I understand that you are one of those people who is now, and forever out of my reach. 

Here are a few words to the woman who I loved so deeply, I no longer know and cannot seem to find.

You and I, we were perfect, in a love bonded tightly, a short season. You promised you loved me, told me I was perfect and would always support me. I was convinced, I was finally someone's forever. The Hope and loyalty that was instilled inside of me. You tore down all my walls. I was vulnerable, authentic and real while you pulled me deeply into your love. And just like that you ripped it all to pieces.

I want you to know I am in love with you. I love you through every emotional part of your roller coaster life. I love you on the days you hate yourself, the days you are unrecognizable to me, the changing circumstances in the rapid movement of time. 

I even love you, when you stopped loving me.

My love is unwavering. It's a love deep inside of my soul and gives restoration to my faith in other people. Love isn't something that is cast aside and broken. It's a fool for forgiveness and strength. It is a faith, when we lose it in humanity. This is from the woman who loves you with her whole heart, through struggles with her anxious thoughts and fear of abandonment.

                        I am sorry I asked so many questions. You stopped answering them, anyway.

I have clouded your doubt and now this just feels like a constant climb. I've pushed you away in my efforts to hold you tighter and closer. My constantly changing expectations have worn you out, now you are just avoidant. Too much pressure, confusion, confliction, and so much energy. I'm afraid if I let you go, stop trying, I will find something better than what you have given me, which lately has been nothing.

And now you're choosing to not spend time with me and I am chasing your lies, I can't do that for the rest of my life. You manipulate the story to fit what you believe to be the truth. I don't want to be a secret, I don't want to feel unworthy. Maybe I'm an embarrassment, I don't understand. But you won't talk to me about that either. You don't show up for me, if anything happened to me like I got in a car accident, had to go to the hospital, maybe even jail, you wouldn't be there for me

I've waited and waited for dates and you've never shown up on time, if you even show up. Do you know what this does to someone on the receiving end? I don't have hopes and dreams to travel and live life with you. Now it's come down to seeing you once every other week if I'm lucky or on your way home from work because you need me.

What happens if I need you?

I can no longer hold on to something that is weighing me down, the sorrow, the sadness, loneliness and I'm crying myself to sleep into the night. It's always been on your time and I have allowed that because every moment spent with you has been cherished, happy and loving.

Lately, I don't want to be close to you. I cannot let you in again be attached naked vulnerable. When will I even see you again? In September? I don't see things changing, I believe this is you, who you really are and you want me there when it's only convenient for you. In this reality, you are one decision away from a completely different life. And I won't ask the question again, because that means I will bear my wounds to you and show you all the spots you have hurt me the most. You have been hurt, love hurts you can't move past the small things. We will never appreciate the thought of losing someone you won't ever find again. 

We have identical scars in the same spots. I'm not interested in taking things slow, backpedaling and no longer living life together. I'm not interested in sitting here waiting for you to be ready in a year, the rate we are going I will be over you in a month. You can't expect somebody to pause their life, not compromise and believe you will get what you want in the end. Focus has been you, you, you, you. Your needs and your wants and like a wounded warrior I still sit back and settle for less, until  there isn't anymore. I'm not even interested in answering your phone calls, your text messages, so quick, forced and shallow.

I'm going to take my front seat back and drive. Drive away from what is now toxic, painful and draining. Push pull isn't how I will live and once it gets to that point, it's no longer about love but who has more control over the other person.