police officer

-
April 25th, 2025


"New love is grand. Savor all the crazy, muddled might of it."


Weeks later, fixing myself. 

The only way out of a labyrinth of suffering is to forgive. I have forgiven. It just continues to happen. The rejection. Carelessness but after all I'm allowing it. Everything. But I'm happier. Fucking so much happier.  

I'm dating again, without her even being an option anymore. Isn't that what Dezaray wanted? Disregarded me like I'm nothing to her. Not even holding on anymore, just gave up on me, on us, what was…what should be and what could be. I'm surrounding myself with people who care and I'll care about myself eventually, my therapist, my friends, my coworkers, potential significant others. She did care until she fucking stopped.

Suddenly everyone wants to hang out with me, so many girls want to invest time in dating me. Did I shared the details with Dez, two girls are just waiting for my A-Okay to commit to a relationship. I'm just wasting my time, their time. It's just all about time. One of the girls is the most amazing well-rounded career oriented individuals. Probably, one of the more successful people I've dated. I guess that's not saying very much but she's with the police department, canine unit of Loveland. Yeah, a gentleman I guess of sorts. She's very polite and respectful. Everything a woman would want in a partner. She invites me over often, takes me out on dates, shows up for me consistently, she sent flowers the other day to my office, just because. She was thinking about me yeah I guess it was a little weird, I am not used to the gifts. She's monogamous, 2 years older than me, extremely active and hey guess what she'll swing a dick. *(Dezaray never had interest in strapping a piece on and fucking me. Odd. every butch girl wants that kind of control in bed.) 

Anyway...

The problem is her, Dez. And can't get her off of my mind and I hate it. She is just everywhere and the new girl even knows her name. I've even cried to her about Dez. She sat there, listened and held me. I feel guilty for that. I guess I'm not being fair to her. She told me she loved me the other day and I responded with,

 "thank you". 

A long pause and then,

 " that means a lot to me."
 
Another awkward moment. I'm just not in love with her. 

OOOOOOO she does have a name, Whitley. 

My heart refuses to let Dez go. How did she fall out of love with somebody? How come there isn't a self-help book for this? She should know, she did it so quickly and with great ease. Show me her ways.

I surrounded myself with nature this morning, went on a hike with the dogs, telling myself everything will be okay. 

I'm meeting people who are dealing with addiction lesbians and heartbreak, some of them dealing with some really crazy bullshit. I'm accepting myself a little bit more in that it's okay to cry some days. At least I'm not crying everyday anymore. I have forgiven her and hopefully I will start to grow, maybe I'll finally have enough self-control to stop answering her phone calls and text messages. But hey I don't lie so I might as well say it. 

I'm not okay, not now. Probably never. 

We are all fucking broken and if we can accept that brokenness we can learn to love everything about it right? 

She made my life better than it ever was. I've accepted I'll always love her and who we were together. Us. What I thought was perfect. 

Now, I don't need or want to be with her. I'm chasing that feeling of what we once were, not who we both are separated, today.  

Thank you Dez, for teaching me about love, about what a healthy relationship should be like and for making me realize what I do deserve, what I shouldn't settle for and well, that...

I am enough. 

And I am finding myself again. I can only hope she will do the same for herself. Because she is good enough.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

check box

-
Image
October 5th 2025  I’m burning in despair Love which you distanced from me Return once again I’ll forgive you again. I think about taking you by the hand, walking to the shoreline in the sand under the stars in the moonlight. Nothing could make me happier than spend my life with you. Maybe everything I've done, every decision I've made, every lesson learned, every place I've gone was to leave me right to you. Faith? Hope? Do I believe? You ask.  What would you say when I tell you that all of the libraries on this Earth can't possibly hold all of the volumes of books that I could write filled with the intricate descriptions of your beauty and my feelings for you?  Do you understand the depths? I cannot wait for the day, I can transform hours intO OURS.  HOW LONG MUST I WAIT? FOREVER, IS OKAY. WHEN WE LIVE TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE, HAND IN HAND, CAN KISSES BE OUR CURRENCY? HUGS OUR CREDIT?  I don't ask for much. I am loving enough, nothing is too much for you. I hope ...
Read more

smut

-
Image
01/21/25 "open your eyes and see what you can before they close forever." I take my shirt off. Black lacey bra matching my g-string. I pulled my tiny black skirt off around my ankles black stiletto heels stayed on. I took a selfie. I sent it to her. I slide my hand into the top of my gstring. I'm wet. I separated my lips and now massaged my clit. I take my bra off. Selfie. I sent it to her. I take my panties off. Laying in my bed. I video myself touching my wet pussy. I add one finger inside and then two fingers. In and out in and out. I hit my g-spot, I moan her name. I go deeper. Slower. Oh my God I'm so wet for her. Faster, harder. Thinking about her between my legs, eyes looking up at me, I came so hard saying her name. Is this too much? Should I send this to her? I've only known for 4 days.  I video myself again that day. A vibrator. I touch myself soaking wet, push the vibrator into my tight pussy. Lick my left hand from my fingers down to my palm, my le...
Read more

stupid fire

-
Image
 05/09/2025 Harness your own energy, feel the power within. “SAY SOMETHING HOT TO ME IN SPANISH.” “JALAPENO!” Baby…got me thinking about you, again. And when I think about you I can't keep my hands off myself. I'm here to help you too. Soon you two will be nothing but a needy wet mess for me. Bet.  I know, you usually are in control, let's change that just for tonight. I want you to do exactly what I say. And don't you dare think about coming before me or without my permission. How do you like that, a little taste of your own medicine ? Lie down in your bed, get comfy, I'm sure you've had a long day working both of your jobs.  Slowly take off your shirt. Your pants. Let your hands glide over your soft skin. I wish I could be there to kiss your lips, slide my tongue into your mouth, looking at you. Handsome and ready to be loved.  Don't touch yourself yet. Slow down! Just lay there for a minute and think about your aching pussy is your clit throbbing waitin...
Read more

help

-
Image
August 23rd, 2025 " “Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint-it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.” I am having painful thoughts, I don't know how to live, anymore. I haven't written it in the last couple of days. I'm blocked mentally. I feel hopeless, defeated, and suicidal. I'm trying so hard to stay above water, barely breathing. I don't know if I could do it here, kill myself, with Celeste around. She'd be the one to find me and I don't think she'd be able to handle more trauma. I'd have to go, elsewhere. Maybe, the beach. Somewhere, I used to...
Read more

butterfly effect

-
Image
"If I read our story backwards, its about how I un-broke your heart and then we were happy until one day, your forgot about me forever. " You'll probably get your own chapter, I'll title it Dezbian. The only thing that is helping me process everything, is this writing. It's helping me not text you, call you, react and say a bunch of mean things to you. That's not right, that's how I lost you anyway. Do you remember our first date? We met at the kava bar. You couldn't drink because of probation.  I'll never forget how nervous I was all day. I got pretty tipsy before I picked you up at your homeboy's house. You were playing it so cool. That was just you though so calm, cool, collected and relaxed just about everything. Balance you would say. I was always the opposite loud, anxious , excited just a hot mess. It was snowing, it was really hard we stopped at the gas station before I got out I remember thinking in my head you never see me outside of ...
Read more