quarter

 April 7th 2025 

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them."

"Does she love me? Heads, yes, tails, no."

The quarter snaps off my finger flipping in the air, landing on the wooden floor.

Clinnnngg. ding ding ding.

"Damn it!!!!! TAILS!"

Anxiety is tightening in my chest; breathe in, breathe out.

"Okay, one of three."

There isn't a single person in the small studio apartment. Gunner and Doja stare at me, not moving, no tail wags.

Yep, my dogs even thought I was crazy. Whatever the fuck. Slip. The quarter landed next to Doja's front right paw. She leans forward to smell the quarter. Panic.

"Doja, no no!!!!!!!!!!"

It was as if this were life or death to me.

"Heads yes!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Relief. 

Pumping my fists in the air like a damn cheerleader.

"Okay, ready. Last one guys."

Still talking to the dogs.

"Does she wish we were back together?"

Flip. Quarter rises in the air...

God damn, is this really how my life was at the age of 40? She was 27. Worked 16-hour days, 7 days a week, was on probation for a DUI and couldn't commit anytime to the relationship.

And didn't she communicate this to me with respect? Emotional intelligence and love? And then, here I am, acting like I was in 8th grade at a slumber party, obsessively flipping a quarter waiting for my dogs to giggle blush and start chanting,

"Jamie and Dezaray, sitting in a tree, k i s s i n g. First comes love.."

Fucking pathetic. Yeah, probably a pretty low point for me. Almost rock bottom. I broke up with her 2 weeks ago because my needs weren't being met and I wanted out of the committed aspect. But expected everything to stay the same. She was never available, I wanted the freedom to go entertain other women who desired my body and were willing to do anything to get my attention. Dezaray accepted my decision, came to terms with the fact I wasn't “her” girlfriend anymore. For me, my plan, the breakup completely backfired and the only thing I thought about was winning Dezaray back.

I was living a complete nightmare from which I couldn't wake up or escape. Anxiety, abandoned, rejected and obsessed by unanswered questions. I was so desperate to understand what had happened that I sought to make meaning from the random flips of a quarter.

I was all I had.

I felt more alive in her presence, like a better version of myself. I started believing in love again. I was worth something. She spent all hours with me. Had I finally been chosen and accepted just as myself, just as I was, flaws and all? Everything she did was for me, perfect and endearing. With gentleness and a bit of softness. She was the most fascinating inspiring person in the whole world. Every morning I would pick her up take her to work. We crawled into a cozy world of two, we fused into a unit. I was no longer an entity, alone, but rather it was Dez and Jamie. I finally felt satisfied, whole, like I had a purpose. I had bonded. seasons floated by.  

But now, I'm gone. I had left already, the moment I relapsed. I knew that was the end. Now, I'm emotionally unavailable and I'll stay that way. I miss the Dez I fell in love with months ago.

And I start to feel better when there is distance between us then she'll call, text, stop by the house, finger fuck me in the back of my car, make out with me in her car, take me back to her place, make love in her bed…and just like that, the suffocating starts the moment she leaves.

Enchanted by hope. Yes. Reconnection, energy she's always say the right things to me. Yet, continued disappointment. Emotional turmoil.

God, I've been here before. I know the situation is not going to change and my continued attachment to Dez is going to bankrupt me of all my emotions and self-worth. I'm accepting this.

I've got to let go. I've got to give up. Because I know I will be set free.