rebound

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I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did she rape my head, too?


Self inflicted torture. I feel guilty, not better. Not anywhere closer to getting over you. I went to a party with a girl I met at crossfit. She's actually one of the coaches. I allowed it to be a date. She picked me up in her Ford f-150, and I was already drunk. 


She was in my pants before we even got to the party. I kept reminding myself, I needed this to forget about you. So I made the decision to fuck her, right there at the party. It was horrible. One of my worst shitty decisions I've ever made. I was drunk, nervous, sad. 


And I fucked her with my eyes closed and I pretended like it was you. 


The whole entire time. But it wasn't you. I couldn't trick my mind into believing it, because she was so rough and it hurt. I told her to stop and she didn't. I was dry and faking It the entire time. And at one point, I stopped kissing her so that she wouldn't feel the tears on my face.


I felt like a cheap whore. When she finished, she got up and left me there in a stranger's bed. I started crying quietly at first. Went to the bathroom and just lost all self-control. I stayed there for about an hour, hoping she would just leave. And finally she did. I always feel guilty for that. And I see her every single day and she doesn't stop, asking me out, telling me to come over, and it's just repulsive to me. 


Fucking strangers with a broken heart, is like the worst form of weird mental self-harm. I'd rather slit my wrists to feel than ever do some bullshit like that again. Whoever said rebounding would help mend a broken heart has never been in love before. 


No one will ever replace you.

And that's the difficult feeling to choke down.


 I hate these feelings. I just want it all to go away. Drown in a bathtub full of water. I want to stop this and maybe I should. Maybe I'll get high. Swallow a bunch of pills, fill a syringe full of benzos and meth, maybe feeling nothing at all is better than feeling whatever this is.


I'm not getting better.

Comments

  1. Anonymous15:00

    you should put her in the reviews oif this crossfit gym google

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous15:00

    she should be fired from being a coach.

    ReplyDelete

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