RUINING RELATIONSHIPS

 April 8th, 2025

Perfectionism is the unparalleled defense for emotionally abandoned children. The existential unattainability of perfection saves the child from giving up, unless or until, scant success forces her to retreat into the depression of a dissociative disorder, or launches her hyperactively into an incipient conduct disorder. Perfectionism also provides a sense of meaning and direction for the powerless and unsupported child. In the guise of self-control, striving to be perfect offers a simulacrum of a sense of control. Self-control is also safer to pursue because abandoning parents typically reserve their severest punishment for children who are vocal about their negligence.

I struggle everyday with the fear of abandonment. I really don't have anyone in my life, as it is. Well, maybe this has been on purpose? If there isn't anyone there, then, I do not have to face my fear. Right?

I am constantly needing to appear perfect, otherwise, I'll be rejected.

I'm not enough. I tolerated criticism, verbal and physical abuse from all of my past relationships, just to avoid being alone. Who really even knows my true self. I hide that, too.

I recently lost the best thing that has ever happened to me, or, so I thought. She was an amazing, loving, caring, supportive woman. She was an incredible partner, treated me like a queen. Instead of allowing space, my anxiety really got the best of me. I started panicking when she didn't call or text which quickly manifested into anger. I was clingy, demanding and forceful, then, my tone was aggressive and frightening. She was pulling away and I was in a frantic psychotic state of mind, breaking.

I still loved her and continued the relationship, even though I had already ended it. So instead, a focusing on this fear of abandonment, and learn to cope with the obvious, I descended into darkness.

"Hello, Crystal, Jose, Molly, Charlie, Adam, Even and Harry."

A reunion of some sort.

Working all hours, late at night, to avoid my obsession, wondering why she didn't call me, or text me all day long. When I changed my schedule to work late at night, I slept during the day. Everything triggered powerful, painful emotions; shame, sadness loneliness, longing, anger, anxiety.

Sometimes it's easier to lower my expectations. Relationships require too much work energy, emotions and...I don't want to do it anymore. Now, when I was with her I couldn't help but feel numb, emotionally closed off. Wondering every second of everyday, when will I see her again? Would I let her in again? Should I get sober?

I can't risk being vulnerable, actually sharing my authentic self with someone, so they can slam the door in my face. I'll never understand the shift in our relationship. One minute, I was valued, respected understood and worthy; flaws and all. Until, I just wasn't. No explanation, no closure, just silence. And now I know I need to let go of her for leaving my heart confused, conflicted and lost. I am cursed.

Why am I always ruining relationships?