new day

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   08/23/2018









“Remember. Love doesn’t make the world go round. Sex makes it spin for a second. If you’re lucky. So do chips, sausage rolls and girls in short skirts. Remember. Love. Lays its fingers on you and holds it. Underwater. Remember that when the next girl smiles at you.”

What is wrong with me? My thoughts, my dissatisfaction in literally everything. I’m bored. I get paid and I literally do nothing all day. Larry, my boss, refers to me as a “power house”. Why? I do not ever deliver, I am never on time to anything. I have not really contributed. I’m annoyed. Shut down. Celeste told me she wants to do “something” with her body tonight, implying sex. She takes a long bath, I play the piano waiting to cuddle on the couch. Excited. Anticipating. She walks into the hallway, announcing it's already 9:00pm. I stop playing the piano and sit on the couch.

I ask, “are you going to come sit with me?”

She calls back at me, “I’m in bed, I have to sleep, it's late and someone has to work in the morning.”

Her famous saying might have well been her slogan for her life. Instantly, walls are up. My attitude changes with a snap. I’m quiet. I crawl into bed.

“Okay”, I say under my breath.

I don’t want to be next to her or go to sleep. She’ll assume I am using drugs or make some sort of comment otherwise, so I reluctantly follow directions. Survival. Night meds, extra trazodone so I can fall asleep and not lay in bed staring at the fan, boiling with anger or sobbing silently.

“Do you need night meds?” I question her.

“I took them a while ago”. Her answer is short. 

Why do I get hurt by this so much? Is it really about just the sex? What is the root issue I am dealing with? I cannot pinpoint it. Am I crazy and out of my mind to want to make love to my wife? It makes me uncomfortable to call it making love... maybe it's me. I’m so torn up, sad and crying.  She crawls next to me cuddling, rolling her body into me. Mixed signals. Am I supposed to rub her? Does she want to? Well I should at least try, I do not want to hear her use the excuse that I do not ever initiate sex. It's always something. I wish she had a sex drive, like when we met. She loved to send me videos, share her sexual feelings and thoughts with me. She doesn’t even touch herself anymore. I do not know how to create a fire without a match. Nothing for over a week. What the hell!? Who cares??? Why do I let this get to me, my heart, my emotions, my pride. I’m so confused. Lost. Brain Zaps. Self image. Maybe it's my weight gain? Unworthy. Tomorrow is a new day right? I can’t always just look forward to a new day. But for now, that's all I have. Survival. This is what I hold on to, my hope, a new day. 

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