suicide draft

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 June 23rd 2025 


A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials. 

I would have just sent this in a text message but I don't even think you read mine anymore. I would have called, but you stopped answering those months ago. And before I go, I needed to know, you'd actually read my words even though I know you don't care. So maybe this is for me and I just didn't know who else to write to. Hopefully, you keep smiling.


And don't worry, I will be here within the memories we once shared. I'm so grateful for you and the rest of the world. I'm deeply sorry for blaming you. I've been harboring so much guilt and shame for the way I mistreated you. The words that I never ever meant to say. And the reason that I lost you. I am the one who decided to break up with you. I'm the one who relapsed and asked for an open relationship. I was the one who refused to wait for you, to be patient and open. Our relationship stopped being about love the moment, I started using drugs, behind your back. I know who I became and what comes along with it. Instead of being concerned about the consequences and potentially losing you I turn my back and I stopped caring about you. So I don't blame you. You stopped loving me, the same time I stopped loving myself. Losing someone as perfect as you has been incredibly difficult. Especially knowing I am the reason for the downfall and failure of our relationship.


Sobriety is lonely and dealing with all of this darkness that won't go away is becoming too much for me now. The moments I was with you were the only times I felt alive, love and safe. I haven't felt home since I was 11.


It felt different, with you because in your arms is where I was home.


Comments

  1. thedizz03:10

    you no longer have to be in recovery alone

    ReplyDelete

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