its okay

July 5th 2025 

"it isn't enough to say I loved her, I adored her. And I don't know why i write that in the past tense, for I love her still."

Some days, I forget the weight of you. How it would sit on my chest in the sunlight and in the storms. I am making a cup of coffee, spilling sugar across the counter and the creamer drips across the kitchen floor and suddenly, you are there. My hands tremble, when I think too long about your absence.

You had this laugh, I can hear it now, and echoes. And this half crooked grin that would light up your eyes. And all of the songs, I don't skip anymore, I just hesitate to play them.

I'm trying , every single day, to forget you.

Forgetting is a slow kind of violence, tormenting, isn't it? It's like erasing a mural you painted blindfolded, color smeared and hope dripping down the back of your mind.

I keep meeting new people. I'm going out on dates. Like I said, I'm trying.

I'm bored.

They all have the wrong kind of softness. None of them look at me like... I'm hard to hold or worth the effort, none of them stare at me endlessly into my eyes and silence, tilt their head, asking me what I'm hiding, what are my secrets… like they actually want to know.

You did. You used to do this.

Maybe that's what still haunts me, not just the loss of you, rather the loss of being seen for the very first time in my life, authentic, vulnerable and you still wanted so much more.

You still exist to me.

Not like a wound, but like a constellation.

A set of stars that don't shine bright anymore

but still guide.

One day I will trace those stars without the sting.

One day I will look up into the dark night sky and think you were beautiful instead of you are gone. 

Today, you are still something I carry, not always heavy but never light.

And that, somehow feels okay for just today.