pills and potion

-
march 31st 2025

  • “You can't defeat the darkness by keeping it caged inside of you.” 

Well, that ended so bad. I reacted terribly, nothing went as planned. I fucked up, blamed everything on her and well lost her forever. I said some terribly mean and hurtful words that I can never ever take back. I left such an ugly picture of myself in her mind, ugh. She ended up making plans with her friend tonight and told me that it is my fault because I canceled on her…. And well technically I did, I went to meow wolf in Denver nearly 5 hours earlier. I got back to fort Collins by 6:00 p.m., and figured she would call me when she was off work. Instead of communicating, she sent me a quick text and then made other plans. I yelled, scream, lost control, told her fuck you fuck this, I'm done. I told her how much I hate her! 

God, get fucking control of yourself.

I don't believe that she's had a friend's house, made no sense, then again maybe she is…doesn't matter. I'm sure it's over. They're really not going backwards on this. And it hurts me so much because she's so loving and kind. I just cut her to pieces. I do, I feel terrible. 

There really isn't anything I can do, or say that will erase my words and behavior. I think the best thing is just let go of her. I don't want to be so hateful and angry towards her, she admitted she's been distant because I hurt her. I hurt her and broke up with her a few weeks ago. And I try to demand her to do everything for me, why I don't deserve that anymore. 

I do wish we could go back to the way it was, we got lost so so fast, why? Does anytime and space to figure out her financial struggles and focus on probation. I need to figure out every single part of my life. I do have to let her go. It's so toxic and so so bad. I never ever wanted it to be like this way. Feeling like shit. I want to cry and crawl into my bed never wake up. She said she was getting high, really I wonder what she is doing. I removed her snapchat. I probably remove her from my facebook.

I wish I could go back and just tell her the truth. I'm using drugs, a lot of them, pills and potions probably need a little help. 
Can I stay with you at night so I stop using? I need accountability.

Can you be my accountability?

She just doesn't have time for me and that really hurts. I literally want to crumble to pieces at her feet and tell her how sorry I am and I need her help…I have lost her. I've lost myself. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

check box

-
Image
October 5th 2025  I’m burning in despair Love which you distanced from me Return once again I’ll forgive you again. I think about taking you by the hand, walking to the shoreline in the sand under the stars in the moonlight. Nothing could make me happier than spend my life with you. Maybe everything I've done, every decision I've made, every lesson learned, every place I've gone was to leave me right to you. Faith? Hope? Do I believe? You ask.  What would you say when I tell you that all of the libraries on this Earth can't possibly hold all of the volumes of books that I could write filled with the intricate descriptions of your beauty and my feelings for you?  Do you understand the depths? I cannot wait for the day, I can transform hours intO OURS.  HOW LONG MUST I WAIT? FOREVER, IS OKAY. WHEN WE LIVE TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE, HAND IN HAND, CAN KISSES BE OUR CURRENCY? HUGS OUR CREDIT?  I don't ask for much. I am loving enough, nothing is too much for you. I hope ...
Read more

smut

-
Image
01/21/25 "open your eyes and see what you can before they close forever." I take my shirt off. Black lacey bra matching my g-string. I pulled my tiny black skirt off around my ankles black stiletto heels stayed on. I took a selfie. I sent it to her. I slide my hand into the top of my gstring. I'm wet. I separated my lips and now massaged my clit. I take my bra off. Selfie. I sent it to her. I take my panties off. Laying in my bed. I video myself touching my wet pussy. I add one finger inside and then two fingers. In and out in and out. I hit my g-spot, I moan her name. I go deeper. Slower. Oh my God I'm so wet for her. Faster, harder. Thinking about her between my legs, eyes looking up at me, I came so hard saying her name. Is this too much? Should I send this to her? I've only known for 4 days.  I video myself again that day. A vibrator. I touch myself soaking wet, push the vibrator into my tight pussy. Lick my left hand from my fingers down to my palm, my le...
Read more

stupid fire

-
Image
 05/09/2025 Harness your own energy, feel the power within. “SAY SOMETHING HOT TO ME IN SPANISH.” “JALAPENO!” Baby…got me thinking about you, again. And when I think about you I can't keep my hands off myself. I'm here to help you too. Soon you two will be nothing but a needy wet mess for me. Bet.  I know, you usually are in control, let's change that just for tonight. I want you to do exactly what I say. And don't you dare think about coming before me or without my permission. How do you like that, a little taste of your own medicine ? Lie down in your bed, get comfy, I'm sure you've had a long day working both of your jobs.  Slowly take off your shirt. Your pants. Let your hands glide over your soft skin. I wish I could be there to kiss your lips, slide my tongue into your mouth, looking at you. Handsome and ready to be loved.  Don't touch yourself yet. Slow down! Just lay there for a minute and think about your aching pussy is your clit throbbing waitin...
Read more

help

-
Image
August 23rd, 2025 " “Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint-it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.” I am having painful thoughts, I don't know how to live, anymore. I haven't written it in the last couple of days. I'm blocked mentally. I feel hopeless, defeated, and suicidal. I'm trying so hard to stay above water, barely breathing. I don't know if I could do it here, kill myself, with Celeste around. She'd be the one to find me and I don't think she'd be able to handle more trauma. I'd have to go, elsewhere. Maybe, the beach. Somewhere, I used to...
Read more

butterfly effect

-
Image
"If I read our story backwards, its about how I un-broke your heart and then we were happy until one day, your forgot about me forever. " You'll probably get your own chapter, I'll title it Dezbian. The only thing that is helping me process everything, is this writing. It's helping me not text you, call you, react and say a bunch of mean things to you. That's not right, that's how I lost you anyway. Do you remember our first date? We met at the kava bar. You couldn't drink because of probation.  I'll never forget how nervous I was all day. I got pretty tipsy before I picked you up at your homeboy's house. You were playing it so cool. That was just you though so calm, cool, collected and relaxed just about everything. Balance you would say. I was always the opposite loud, anxious , excited just a hot mess. It was snowing, it was really hard we stopped at the gas station before I got out I remember thinking in my head you never see me outside of ...
Read more