Sick As Your Secrets

July 29th, 2025      In your life you will meet shooting stars. You will see them, make your wish and see them disappear.      I'm a creature of habit. I'm sitting again in the same corner of silence at Dunkin' Donuts. Here, the world never asks questions and I wouldn't give an answer anyway. People come and go. People came and went conversations, laughter filled the air. I just stayed still, pretending to have a purpose, occupied. It was the echo of my own thoughts that were deafening, louder than any voice around me. It was always loudest when she wasn't around, strange right? The absence of something could still shake me harder than its presence.      Every day, I've asked myself the same question that haunted me the spaces between each one of my ribs. Was it me? It had to be, she made time for someone else, she put effort into the relationship. She doesn't seem to be depressed. Suicidal? She's working on bettering herself she's constantly...

 07/27/25 "Hearts are breakable, and I think even when you heal, you're never what you were before".” Some days feel normal, like nothing happened. I get up eat breakfast, grab a coffee get to work.      It's weird isn't it? How you feel like you are doing okay, then suddenly feel stuck again? I thought I was healing getting back on my feet, independently. Maybe, I still am. But healing isn't about forgetting. Sometimes it looks like remembering everything, but choosing not to reach out. I think about her, not just the happiness but the quiet ones too. Like how she used to breathe when she'd be asleep, or her silence when she hold her breath after hitting her tank. The way her text messages sounded like comfort, even if they were short.      I hate that, I do remember all of that, I do.      Maybe, this is what it means to be stuck, between not fully holding on but not fully letting go either. They say that time heals all wounds. What if...

 July 16th, 2025 “When loneliness is a constant state of being, it harkens back to a childhood wherein neglect and abandonment were the landscape of life.” She never said the words, not out loud anyway. Or maybe she did and I didn't want to hear them…words weren't needed, I could feel them anyway. The way she paused before walking away... Like maybe, just maybe this time, she wanted to stay. Her love wasn't loud, it was the shy glances and unfinished texts. A brush of her shoulder. Like an apology for everything she didn't know how to say, AND that was a lot.  God. Those eyes and her smile, soft as dusk. Flickering with a thousand things she would never let me name. Her eyes looked at me Like a question, she didn't know how to answer without breaking something. At first, she made me feel, Like I wasn't too much. Someone could see past my weaknesses, she could see me and not flinch. YET every time I get close enough to feel her heartbeat, she would disappear, Lik...

  July 8th, 2025   " I was really sad about it for awhile. The worst kind of sad too, the kind where you know deep down that there's nothing you can do even though you wish you could."  It's heavy, it's hurting. And I think it's time. To put it down. You have carried it, overcompensated because of it. It's robbed you of your peace and serenity for long enough. The past was never meant to occupy the space in the present or make you fearful of the future. Heal the hurt. You've put effort into hiding and address the care of what's truly affecting you.

July 5th 2025  "it isn't enough to say I loved her, I adored her. And I don't know why i write that in the past tense, for I love her still." Some days, I forget the weight of you. How it would sit on my chest in the sunlight and in the storms. I am making a cup of coffee, spilling sugar across the counter and the creamer drips across the kitchen floor and suddenly, you are there. My hands tremble, when I think too long about your absence. You had this laugh, I can hear it now, and echoes. And this half crooked grin that would light up your eyes. And all of the songs, I don't skip anymore, I just hesitate to play them. I'm trying , every single day, to forget you. Forgetting is a slow kind of violence, tormenting, isn't it? It's like erasing a mural you painted blindfolded, color smeared and hope dripping down the back of your mind. I keep meeting new people. I'm going out on dates. Like I said, I'm trying. I'm bored. They all have the wro...

  July 3rd 25 "The most difficult aspect of moving on is accepting that the other person already did." x She had a smile and a laugh that CAME out sideways. She wasn't sure she was allowed to be happy. And when she would smile at me, butterflies, like spring had broken THRU a long winter storm.  I was trying too hard to be her sun.  God, she was the moon.                         Quiet.                                                                                    Distant.                                              ...

"Ill walk forever with stories inside of me that the people I love the most can never hear." I really thought I knew what pain was, until I felt your love. I'm not even sure where to go from here or what's next for me, exactly. You were the one thing I was certain of…you were who I believed. What if the one isn't the one who stayed? What if your soulmate is the person who walked away so carelessly? But if you are one true love is someone you will know mostly in memory? I'm not sure I'll ever understand how I meant nothing to someone who meant everything to me. I was always just another part of your pattern. Someone for you to ruin, once there was nothing left of yourself to wreck. It's incredible how much love I poured into someone so deprived of light, they drained me of mine. You are my eclipse, empty enough to swallow the sun, where someone's shine goes to die.  But if the one who brought you back to life was destined to destroy it? Leaving you ...

07/01/2025 "it hurt her in a pointless way, the kind of hurt she had no legitimate right to, and that had no cure." She lives in the marrow of my mind. A ghost with soft eyes, gentle touch and a king-like persona. Haunting not with silence but with the idea of maybe. Maybe she will come back maybe she thinks about me maybe she meant it Maybe... Maybe... Maybe... And then I'm reminded that she has someone else, and then there aren't any more " maybe” I replay her like a record with no end.  she smiled, a needle to the heart, each text message, unread…each glance, a drug I never wanted to quit. My thoughts orbit her like she is the sun and I Am The reckless moon.  Carving circles through complete madness. She told me she didn't have the same feelings for me anymore. She wasn't in love with me. Was it that enough for me to walk away, and stop loving her back. Someone who probably never really loved me anyway.  Her name tasted like sugar on my tongue, yet i...