Sick As Your Secrets

April 25th, 2025 "New love is grand. Savor all the crazy, muddled might of it." Weeks later, fixing myself.  The only way out of a labyrinth of suffering is to forgive. I have forgiven. It just continues to happen. The rejection. Carelessness but after all I'm allowing it. Everything. But I'm happier. Fucking so much happier.   I'm dating again, without her even being an option anymore. Isn't that what Dezaray wanted? Disregarded me like I'm nothing to her. Not even holding on anymore, just gave up on me, on us, what was…what should be and what could be. I'm surrounding myself with people who care and I'll care about myself eventually, my therapist, my friends, my coworkers, potential significant others. She did care until she fucking stopped. Suddenly everyone wants to hang out with me, so many girls want to invest time in dating me. Did I shared the details with Dez, two girls are just waiting for my A-Okay to commit to a relationship. I'm ju...

April 24th, 2025 "Survival was my only hope, success my only revenge." Do you remember my journal entry on the "rebound" girl? My CrossFit coach? Yeah, well... what a TWAT. Every time she yelled at me, " LIFT HEAVIER JAMIE!" OR "YOU'RE NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH." OR "RUN FASTER!!!!" OR "YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS." I FUCKING WANTED TO PUNCH HER SQUARE IN THE FACE. "YOUR ASS LOOKS GREAT IN THOSE SPANDEX."  I wanted to vomit all over her.  "WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT ME BACK LAST NIGHT?" "I CALLED YOU A COUPLE TIMES.  YOU MUST BUSY WITH WORK." EVERY SINGLE DAY, SHE WAS THAT ANNOYING.  CLINGY AND INVASIVE. Oh my god, she wanted to act like she hadn't raped me, a couple of nights ago. Like, maybe because I was too intoxicated that it had completely slipped my mind?  Like, BITCH PLEASE! Rolling my eyes at her. What a fucking twat.  So, now I am enjoying a new CrossFit gym today.  All of my coaches ...

"If I read our story backwards, its about how I un-broke your heart and then we were happy until one day, your forgot about me forever. " You'll probably get your own chapter, I'll title it Dezbian. The only thing that is helping me process everything, is this writing. It's helping me not text you, call you, react and say a bunch of mean things to you. That's not right, that's how I lost you anyway. Do you remember our first date? We met at the kava bar. You couldn't drink because of probation.  I'll never forget how nervous I was all day. I got pretty tipsy before I picked you up at your homeboy's house. You were playing it so cool. That was just you though so calm, cool, collected and relaxed just about everything. Balance you would say. I was always the opposite loud, anxious , excited just a hot mess. It was snowing, it was really hard we stopped at the gas station before I got out I remember thinking in my head you never see me outside of ...

April 22th, 2025 I'm going to ask you a simple question. Are you talking, entertaining or seeing other girls? I want to ask you if she has the same feelings for me, like she did when we first met. Or have your feelings about me change? Do you even think I am the one for you anymore? I'm 100% questioning my feelings for her right now certainly noticing a different side of her that isn't genuine. Distant withdrawn and…I am immature. I don't like it at all. Passive aggressive. She is doing this to get back at me for hurting her? Not sure. May never know the answers to this.  I am proud of myself for one thing, I didn't get all excited anticipating, planning and reserving the most expensive suite at the nicest hotel, The Elizabeth Hotel, in Fort Collins.... because she said she agreed to see me at a hotel this week. I am learning, she changes her mind, quickly, without warning. I was going to avoid it anyway. I am bleeding, really heavy today and I wouldn't want her...

April 20th, 2025 "Unrequited love may be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but one-self, a private pain that is bittersweet as it is self-induced. but as soon as love is reciprocated, one must be prepared to give up the passivity of simply being hurt to take on the responsibility of perpetrating hurt oneself." Relationship status? ummm... well, It's complicated. It's a complicated thing, you know, love. It's the sensation that bubbles over in your chest, next to your heart and makes everything light air to breathe and fill up your lungs; in and out, life or death, to love or not to love. Isn't that the question after all? It takes journeys across the world, sailing uncharted waters. It's as deep as the sea, dark as the night sky. It is a sinking feeling when you are underwater for too long, coming up to the surface, desperate for air. You breathe in deep and try to take in more than your lungs can f...

April 20th, 2025 The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind. This uncomfortable rush of sadness washes over me. She won't be able to afford to move to Denver, has to stay in Fort Collins. What is she going to do, live with Jack the rest of her life? She gracefully moved to the next topic. I am thinking, wait, what? PAUSE! What does this mean for me for us? You have asked me to wait, thinking surely when you're done with probation and we move to Denver together and things will change. And I promise I was going to wait! Now what? Just see you in hotel rooms and cars, only when you need me or want to see me? I'm not even sure what words would be right to even say now. What is she trying to say? This is me being nice and telling you we will never be together, don't wait. You can't possibly believe I'm fine with you living with Jack. I cannot stand him, he is controlling, rude and you allow him to walk all over you. I'm ...

04/18/25 "i think every pain in this world, wants to be witnessed"   Because we are over. Not friends, not acquaintances. No, we are back to strangers like we never met at all. And sometimes I wish exactly that, I never gave you my number the day you got into my car for a ride to work. But now, it's over. And you said it a million of times, at first not forward enough. Just that you want to take things “slow”, and then that you wanted to stay in contact with each other and finally two days ago you completely cut it off. You want space.  I hurt you when I broke up with you. And the last two weeks, I've said really mean hurtful things to you, the back and forth is exhausting and you are done. Ouch. Abandoned.  I can't seem to stop hurting and honestly I just need to write, to get it all out and send it in a little white envelope, sealed with a kiss and an address, scribbled on it with my cat scratchy handwriting. I just hope the post office can read it so you get my...

  April 17th, 2025  To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. And today. I am still in pieces. No text, no phone calls. Just emptiness. And there won't be any more. I'm sure. Forever. I'm a tornado blown wide open, a belt wrapped like a noose, tight around my neck. The needle pricks I've hidden in old scars. We marry our wounds. They never leave us, knitted together by red fibers, birthday banned bullet, fired by teeth now dressed in me. Sleep is my only escape, yet I am awake in a nightmare. Swallowed by a pothole, any touch feels coarse except for her, she was my violet, my incubator. We don't remember days. We remember moments, sink into a blue hole charged with radioactive chemicals, multiply like flies, insoluble once more I could hear my pulse break through water. Heartbeat strangled by tides. I am a doll. Unstitched. I am milk, uncrated. But I am here. I moved mountains for you. But you wouldn't so m...

  April 16th 2025  .... Silence, I'm staring out your car window into the night sky clutching my chest begging for your sweet lips to give air back to my lungs. I'm watching this as the sky plays our memories and tears begin to pour down my face. It's raining outside. I'm watching you walk away, like every one always has, you said forever, you said you wouldn't, you said you were different but I'm losing you. You have broken me, worse than anyone before. I was sober. I felt every word, every touch, every feeling. And if our love is so strong, why am I not enough? I wanted so badly to be the one, your queen, a priority. But red flags turned into hearts in my eyes. The pain you brought makes me think love isn't real. Sometimes, I wish we never met. Because then I would be sober. 

  April 16th 2025  "Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry." You watched my tears drip down my face, you're emotionless, cold, distant. I'm standing in place, you lift my chin, look into my eyes as you always do. "I'm sorry, I don't like to see you like this." So fucking change it. Nothing is steady, in place. Lies untold. Listen as pain takes over, and I know, I'm about to relapse. Hoping you'll stay this time, pulling on your chain. Your free. We are separated and I didn't mean it. I will take the blame, again and again. Beg, plead. Please, please don't leave me. 

"it was a little thing, but piled on all the other little things, it broke something in me." My therapist suggested saying out loud something positive every single morning. "I'm better. I'm better. Now." That's the best I can do this morning. I miss the feeling of waking up beside you, the 50 times your alarm would go off, reset it and crawl back under the covers with me holding me. Shaking my head, " I'm better now." I brush my teeth. And get dressed. I try not to think about you, even though everything reminds me about you. Putting on a red and black g-string, I wore it on our third date. I made you dinner that night. I snapped the rubber band around my wrist. Ouch. I'm better now. That lacey black bra you told me I looked so sexy wearing.  I want to burn it. I try to eat breakfast. Everything is stale in my mouth, the coffee tasteless. The world is less colorful. I'm living in a black and white motion picture. Is this how you fe...

  April 11th 2025  "Behind ever exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic." And I'm sick of it. January was a wound I dressed, by dressing up. I wanted to summon spring by spilling watercolors against this journal and calling it art. I'd frame it, sell it and make a fortune. Bet.. Big bet. She taught me new words, meaning of life. I wish we could sip pina coladas by the Pacific Ocean at the hotel del Coronado. So I could show her life, real moments, and what it's like to live. I'm writing poems in my head about cumulus clouds while sitting on the toilet of my ex-girlfriend's house.  I went back to therapy. I told her I was happy, sober a year, her fingers gripped her pen scribbling on her notepad. I think to myself, she's basically talking shit in her notebook. “Oh, Jamie, your eyes do not lie to me.”  February wasn't a curse, it was the best celebration for me. I was falling and pretending to be enchanted. As though, I am not afraid...

I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did she rape my head, too? Self inflicted torture. I feel guilty, not better. Not anywhere closer to getting over you. I went to a party with a girl I met at crossfit. She's actually one of the coaches. I allowed it to be a date. She picked me up in her Ford f-150, and I was already drunk.  She was in my pants before we even got to the party. I kept reminding myself, I needed this to forget about you. So I made the decision to fuck her, right there at the party. It was horrible. One of my worst shitty decisions I've ever made. I was drunk, nervous, sad.   And I fucked her with my eyes closed and I pretended like it was you.   The whole entire time. But it wasn't you. I couldn't trick my mind into believing it, because she was so rough and it hurt. I told her to stop and she didn't. I was dry and faking It the entire time. And at one point, ...